How To Feel (a bit!) Better When You Just Feel Bad

This is such a hard post to write, because, like many of its kind, I tend to focus on quick remedies as exercise, meditation, and opening up to those feelings, as we just discussed in our last post about suffering and depression. Of course, as we know, yes, they do help, naturally, in the moment...

But, as I will be candid enough to share with you now, I have been having "one of those weeks." Even thinking about doing yoga or meditating made me anxious. Sometimes, trying to figure out how to relieve our negative feelings only greatly adds to the anxiety of our guilt of feeling them in the first place. 

I decided to make a list.

Well, a few, actually. I made lists about what I want to change. I made a list about the things I want, in the material sense (hello, new white couch!) period. I made another list about what absolutely sucked this week and I another list about what made me sad, anxious, and upset this week. And finally, I created a list about what I want to change in my life.

From these lists, I will try and take a good, lengthy and hard look at how my brain seems conditioned to loop right back into negativity, and how I can continue to rewire my brain! Reading the work of others who have made this their life work also greatly helps, like Dr. Rick Hanson. Also, booking a session with a therapist who practices EMDR therapy, like therapist Lesli Johnson , can be tremendously life-changing. (We will be talking about EMDR more extensively in the coming weeks).

But, I think that by beginning to keep these journaling "lists," I will be able to allow myself to really "see" these patterns, and therefore, be able to mentally hi-jack them more effectively, moving forward, before they can dig in.

 I encourage you to also start this practice, especially when you are having very "good" days: Bullet-point out, really simply in your journal, what went well, who you were with, and why it was so good. Notate the successes as well as the sh*tty parts of your week and month. And, as always, please feel free to email or comment to let us know how you did!

Here's to a much better week starting on Monday, and a very splendid weekend! Thank you, as always, for reading this week...xo

What Are You REALLY Worth?

How did you really feel reading the above headline? 

If you're like me, you felt an instant little shot of anxiety.

If you didn't, you are allowed to stop reading...;) But, the truth seems to be, that in my experience, most people, especially and unfortunately, women, do not know how to negotiate properly for themselves, and not just in relation to financial interactions: This happens in business, day-to-day work challenges, family and friendship boundary issues, and, really most importantly-with themselves and their own instincts…

It seem different and inaccurate to speak about negotiating, say, a financial business proposition, with, for example, jockeying for the best room in the group cottage you're renting with family this summer, but is it really that different? 

Considering both options leaves one with usually a very similar body-mind anxiety trap: You tense up just thinking about it, maybe even start to perspire a bit, all the while thinking that this situation will end up like the last-and you will end up as you maybe felt before-frustrated and unhappy with the result. 

I am certainly NOT a business coach, or a family therapist, for that matter, but I want to share a few techniques and tips that I have been personally working on lately: 

When Negotiating For Business: 

What do you really want out of this transaction? A better career position? More money? Recognition? Get to the bottom of it. It's important to know. How does the proposed deal really feel? That little ping of anxiety in the pit of your stomach (or chest, or heart) I was talking about? That is absolutely your intuition talking to you. So, talk back to it. Get out your journal, or pen and paper, and ask it: What is the problem, here? Do you perhaps not like/respect/trust the person, in a way that is comfortable for you? Forget about your "comfort zone" here, for a moment. This is not a test of that. This is your Intuition reaching out and appealing to you, by making you un-comfortable in your body. Really try listening to it. Keep asking until you maybe get an answer that never even occurred to you. Maybe the answer is: "I have spent far too much time advancing other's projects. It is now time to work on my own stuff!" Let your Intuition advocate for you. It wants to, it is longing to do this.  It is trying. I promise.

The Ask: 

If the thought of renegotiating genuinely fills with you too much dread, but you have decided that that is absolutely what you must do, then write it in an email instead, and, if possible, have something new drawn up, contract-wise,  with the help of a lawyer. Especially if you are doing business with friends, this is the only way not to feel slighted and misaligned, moving forward. Are you possibly leaving yourself open for disaster, in a professional sense? Maybe. But-you are making yourself vulnerable. At least give the offer a little negotiation-padding, so, when in person, you have some wiggle room when the other party tries to then renegotiate. And remember, this is truly a baby step if you have not negotiated anything significant before. The re-writtern contract alone should alert the person that you know your worth, understand what is at stake, and value your own participation in the project. If you and the other party have only have a handwritten or typed agreement, rewrite/type that yourself, on your own terms, and submit that to them. Baby steps, baby! Remember that. 

When Negotiating with Friends or Family: 

Some of you may be like, "What's the Big Deal?" Again, that is awesome, you are a badass who knows how to stand up for themselves! Good for you! For the rest of us, that frozen feeling may have been felt again-just reading the above headline. Here are some situations that may come up for you this summer when dealing with friends or family, and here a few tips to deal with them: 

Traveling with Friends or Family?

Usually, things of this manner that come up are: Who is booking the Air B-n-B/hotel/cottage? How do we split up the rent/groceries/supplies? Who is doing the cooking? Who is watching the kids, when so-and-so goes hiking/waterskiing/diving, oh my?

If you have an unruly band of friends or family, but they are generally good for paying everyone back, put yourself in charge, if you have time, of booking and scheduling, if this appeals to you. If not, figure out who the hell in your group loves it! Believe me, even in the most slap-dash crowd, there is a Type A lurking in your midst. Find them! Anoint them! Lavish them with praise! 

Make it your job to put this new A-Gamer in charge of booking the place, paying (then getting reimbursed-and believe me, they will get reimbursed, don't worry about them!) making up a cooking schedule-wherein a different party does dinner on alternating nights for EVERYONE (and procures and pays for groceries on said night) and compiling a loose list and perhaps schedule of local activities. Suggest to the A-Gamer that they utilize any teens in your midst to help babysit the little kids and supervise the older ones-but for a fee-which the A-Gamer will come up with. (Show these teens what they are worth early on, and they will never have to read an article like this!) If your group is fancier, and tends to go out to eat as a large group more often, put your A-Gamer happily in charge of divvying-up the bill for everyone, iPhone at the ready. 

And you know what? Without even asking, this A-Gamer will probably know to place which people in what rooms by need of their kids/significant others, or will simply be savvy enough to start a convenient flip-a-coin or lottery system to divvy up rooms once everyone finally arrives. Continue to empower these people in your midst! They love it, they will truly make your life a charm, and will help everyone's vacation to be fantastic. Make sure them to get them a great bottle wine when all is said and done, or treat them to a nice lunch on the trip.

So, you see? Sometimes your self-worth depends on valuing other's strengths around you, too. Sometimes it is all about knowing when you are NOT being properly valued, listing to your gut, and getting the hell out of the situation, if you cannot negotiate for what you really want and need. (And remember- sometimes what you really want and need is to bolt.) ;) 

I do know how difficult and anxiety-producing this all can be, and I respect each and every one of us who chooses to advocate on your own behalf, no matter how little or daunting the situation may seem to the outside world-at-large. I am with you! Feel free to tell us about any recent journeys, and how they turned out...xo 

Learning How to be "Self" Careful...

I was having a really stressful day this week. I mean, I felt like my adrenals were really going to go up in smoke, or something. I had had a ton of iced tea (my fave caffeinated drink of choice), and I knew I just should have probably: Gone for a yoga class, taken a trip to the gym, walked around the park in my neighborhood, splurged on a massage...But something in me just wanted to continue doing what I was doing. I was working on a new project, even though it was way past my bedtime, and I was getting pretty wiped out...

Now, yes, yes, yes: I could have stopped, had a nice, crisp glass of white wine, called a friend, or dallied around and gone online, but... I decided to power through what I was working on. I knew, intuitively, what was what going to make me feel the best: Moving forward and not necessarily getting it all done, but making just enough progress until I could feel that satisfied "click,"and stop. 

And I realized, whether this was a good thing or bad, learned or conditioned, my own response to stress at the time, whatever- I just had to really and simply respect the need for that "click" feeling. It gave me a bit of a natural high, and made me THEN want to relax, as if I'd really earned it. 

My friend the therapist Mick Kubiak explains that this is my very own version of behavior modification, to which I say-well, good!

If it works for me, I think it...works!

So, listen: Please. Do not force yourself to take a bath, watch another show on your Netflix queue, or even workout in the name of "self-care," if it's going to possibly cause you more anxiety when you are stressed to your limit. I have left more than one "forced" yoga class, glaring at some of the terribly rude drivers in my gym's huge parking lot afterward, my calm dissolving instantly. Of course, I really and certainly do not want to discourage exercising in order to decrease your stress levels, but sometimes, you have to face that mother head on. You have to just deal with it-whatever it may be-kid's homework help, piles of laundry, that report that needs to get done, banking, paying bills-whatever it may be that is grabbing a hold of your brain, and not letting go.... Now, that's some self-carefulness. xo

But, JUST in case you want to treat yourself (after you're done being self-careful, of course): (!)

From our friends at Honest Beauty: 

Weekend Project: Say No Until It's a Hell YES!

This weekend, I want you to try, as much as you can, to take time off from any dull chores and cleaning that you can out off, unless it's a Hell, YES! I want you to take at least one day to do exactly what you feel like doing:

-Want to lie in bed and read all day? Hell YEAH? Then do it?

-How about finally going on that solo hike you have been wanting to try? Hell yes!

-That trip to Chinatown to buy some cool knick-knacks and tonight's dinner ingredients? YES, YES YES! 

This is the weekend for you to recharge. It's Memorial Day! Remember how great it is to do what you like to do, is my point. 

Some "Hell, YES!" Suggestions:

-Guilt your kids into doing laundry for a little spending money so you can curl up on the porch and read that new novel!

-Go out for Happy Hour with your old college buddies!

-Go to every single garage sale in your neighborhood!

-Invite people over, and make them bring stuff, so you can all relax and enjoy each other's company!

-Get a MASSAGE! 

-Go to the new museum or art exhibit downtown-by yourself

-Go and see a really silly action movie (you can take your pick this weekend!)

-Whatever your little heart desires that will not harm you or anyone else...

Have a wonderful holiday weekend! And if you are working, try to carve out a few hours to give yourself what you need and crave, whether it be a glass of wine or a yoga class...

Have a good one! xo

How Pop Culture Can Make You Appreciate What You Have & Why We ALL need to be watching the "Handmaid's Tale"

First of all, this is not a sponsored plug for HULU! But I have become rather obsessed with their amazing show The Handmaid's Tale, now in its second season. 

If you don't know the story, it is based on the iconic novel by Margaret Atwood, and takes place in a not-too-distant future in the U.S.- where women have been stripped of all agency and authority and freedom, essentially. June, the protagonist, is forced to become a "handmaid," a human breeder for wealthier, infertile families of the various "commanders" of this new and horrifying republic. 

The acting, production value and attention to detail- even for great television, it is really an extraordinary work of art, I feel...

And it is basically terrifying. It is exquisitely brutal in showing us how freedom can be stripped away to the point where you are left utterly victimized. As many friends I have become rather obsessed with this show, some refuse to watch it. It's too "disturbing," they say. Okay, I get that...Life is too short, there are so many other fabulous things to with our time (and great shows to watch! ;) So, why bother, right?

I think, especially in this incredibly tense political atmosphere, it is so very important to value the freedom we have, in this country and in our personal lives, and learn to cherish it better. One recent episode of the show made me come to the conclusion that I need to go out dancing! (And not to go out  dancing more, just...to GO! I couldn't recall the last time I had been.) I mean...

As inundated as we are with just SO may blog and Instagram posts, TV reccos for the weekend, fresh movies, news updates coming in from every direction- please remember to take the time to seek out the things in our everyday culture that not only inspire and enrich you, but scare the sh*t out of you too, in a very good, productive way...

It will keep you on your toes, especially with all of these many elections coming up in June and then November. The more you can appreciate the fullness and freedom of your life right now (stripped of your current desires and longings and dreams) the more you can realize just how important it is to value it, in any way you can: Whether that be volunteering for the upcoming elections and GOTV (Get Out The Vote!) processes in your town or city, or spending more time on real, genuine activism than constant Facebook haranguing, even the most mundane of your days has value when you appreciate the freedom you do have...xo

Zen, & the Art of Not Losing Your Sh*T!

I had a big event last weekend with the non-profit I help run last week, and well, the night before, I kind of lost it: There were so many details, so many things I wanted to get right, and it was very important that this event went off rather flawlessly. And you know what? The event went pretty great. BUT. It came at a huge cost time: My peace of mind! Time to do things a little differently, for sure. 

Could I have asked for help, mediated, ran to a yoga class, chilled the hell out, somehow? Yes. I mean, sure. I could have, I suppose. But I was SO wrapped up in what I was feeling, that it felt really almost impossible to get some clarity, to get that "this too shall pass" feeling, the knowledge that all of this would be over by the very next night!

But herein lies the big question: When you are triggered again and again by certain situations, and if they happen to be professional, say, like in this case, isn't it time to make some kind of a real and genuine change? Maybe you are having great difficulty seeing and doing things clearly and properly because you really SHOULD ACTUALLY BE CONDUCTING YOUR LIFE DIFFERENTLY! Really! And I know this is hard to hear when the situation seems like a an all-out trap, or you simply cannot see any way to add to change it. 

But,  if you can, try. You maybe can keep mediating around it, and running to a yoga class, and eating as healthy as you like-BUT: If your soul is crying out for you to REALLY and TRULY change your behavior, or a particular aspect of your work or life,  you really must honor yourself in this way. We all have options, even though, I understand, it's sh*tty to hear sometimes, and we often kick our heels against the back of driver's seat, feeling trapped in our own little car seat of life. 

But, the truth is, we are NOT. 

We can all make changes, no matter how difficult they may seem at the moment. You do deserve to feel better, and fulfilled, and to feel divinely guided, I am here to tell you this. Listen to that whining, crying, frazzled little voice when things have gotten, well too damn much! You need to listen! Pay some attention! Would you leave a screaming baby alone in the wilderness? No! (I would hope that you would not! ;) 

Please don't band-aid yourself with too much self-care, when what you really need to be doing is changing direction, whether it may be a little bit,  or going toward a completely new one. You can do it! I just know that you can.  And if you need help doing so, please, by all means, contact us.  

We can help you make some changes. 

xo

Manifesting any magic lately? Let's try it!

We spoke a few weeks ago about relaxing into the new feelings of NOT expecting the worst, right? And seeing how that felt? Well, if that has been working for you, why not, try for a litte bit MORE? 

Without giving too much away, an amazing opportunity presented itself today, less than 24 hours after I set an intention about it. It's a pretty magnificent opportunity, and literally came out-of-the-blue, as they say, via a phone call from a great friend I hadn't spoken to in awhile...

What was so different about this intention-setting? 

1. It was CLEAR: One sentence.
2. It was specific, without mentioning or demanding to have the "HOW" of it. 
3. It felt "doable." It wasn't so outlandish that I didn't or could not believe it. It felt...just right.

#3 is the real key. It has to feel "right." Believable-whether it is a certain amount of money gained from something (you should specify the basic throughway-as this is part of your desire-an acting gig, a new law practice, your writing, painting side hustle, a new job, finding that special someone- whatever your wish or intention may be-just not the exact "how" of it.

Write it down or repeat it several times a day, with a clear and certain clarity, similar to "I'm meeting Anthony for Brunch on Sunday." It should be that matter-of-fact, and full of ease and looking-forward-to-ness:

"I'm going to make _____ through my ____in the next _______."

"I'm going to lose _____ lbs. in the next ______ at my new gym. " 

"I'm going to land ____ new clients in the next ________ with my new practice."

"I'm going to clear out and organize the garage/guest room/home office  to my and my husband's/wife's specifications in the next _______, and it will be a pleasant and very easy experience." 

Let's all try it together! "You never know who or what is going to appear when you are clear." I'd love to know if this works for you, too!...xo 

(Remember-KISS-"Keep It Simple, Sugar." :) 

What Does Being "Alone" Really Mean?

I love this photograph, above! Primarily because the woman in it seems pretty cool and looks like a true badass while she is doing something usually associated with "loneliness"-playing solitaire. 

I've never been married, and spent a good portion of my life un-partnered. I also do not have children. I had a blip as I was typing this, because it made me pretty vulnerable writing that. But it's true. 

I never wanted to get married, even as a child. Never once had even imagined my wedding. Strange as it seems, my fantasy future life just did not include these things. And the older I become, I am left to evaluate and reflect upon my choices: Should I have frozen my eggs? Could I have settled, and just picked someone to go after and marry? Should I have tried harder to have a family? 

It's very interesting living in large city, especially one like Los Angeles, which, as un-conservative as it may seem, still has a very conservative feel when it comes to relationships and family. Yes, the partnering which occur may be "unconventional," or out of the norm, but they are still basic templates and structures we all so easily recognize. 

The truth is I have more anxiety worrying about the fact that I SHOULD be more worried being single right now! I have great friends, a social life that suits me, and a family and a niece and nephew, especially, with whom I am very close, and with whom I see and spend a lot of time. Do I want to be cooking for someone, traveling with someone? Of course. But the someone I need has not yet manifested. I don't online date, and try to stay as open as I can. 

What does being "alone" truly mean in this day and age?

I suppose, for me, it offers the excitement of a future that can change at any moment and is truly limitless, in that sense. The great downside is, our time on this earth is not limitless. Trying to stay in peace with whatever state you are in-married, with children, single, etc, I feel is the key, if there ever is one. 

I am writing this post to present a model of someone, a woman, who is quite happy in the present moment being "alone." My wish is to pass this feeling on to you, however you may be currently partnered (or not!) . xo

(Me, Francesca, below, sending good vibes to YOU!)

Take a Free Happiness Course through Yale University!

You can now take a FREE online Happiness Course that was created at Yale University and taught and moderated by the same professor who started it! "The Science of Well-Being" was one of the most successful and oft-requested classes EVER at Yale-and now it, too, can be YOURS! Coursera is offering it online now, just register here to get started with their awesome, online modules. I'm trying it! (No fees for this post, just wanted to pass on the very GOOD news...xo)

Let us know if YOU are trying it, too...

Do YOU Multi-Task? Your mind is trying to tell you something...

This is a big topic in the self-improvement world, and has been for years. "Studies show" that multi-tasking, is, well, bad for you, and for your overall productivity, and peace of mind. And I personally tend to agree...

But, here is what I think it is GREAT for: It is wonderful for identifying what you really WANT to be doing, at any given moment, and more importantly, what you need to be doing in your life, instead. 

If you consistently check on other sites (like this one! Ha) when you should be working on something else (like work!)  or looking to be distracted in some other way, even if those distractions are "productive," (like toggling between emails and a report that is due, for example) it is a definitive indication that you need to change the way you focus and structure your decisions. 

What we are talking about here is CHOICE. And on another level, your choice on what you decide to COMMIT your time to. 

I have really been thinking lately about this nagging, little thing I do, a very sophisticated version of the Scarlett O'Hara out-off-until-tomorrow excuse: I will sort of load myself up with this do-gooder, "I must, I will!" feeling....And....weeks can pass, and I stay in the very same loop. Some examples that I am guilty of? Well, I have been making phone calls and volunteer for a political action group, about once per week. EACH week I go in, I get this elated feeling, and say to myself, "This week, I will learn-up much more about all of the candidates in the districts I am calling for..."  These are simple actions, and, since I am so excited that I am there volunteering, this gives me an extra punch of joy. But, you know what? I do not dedicate the time the following week to do this! Weeks are now turning into months. Is it an enormous "deal?" Well, no. Not really. I know enough about the candidates I am calling about, and am also supplied with a script and an online resource library to consult.  But still! I feel as if  I "should" know more. Another example is the way in which I am writing my novel. I write pretty consistently, but somewhere, far off in my head, I fantasize about a time when I will have "acres and acres of time" (to quote Sylvia Plath) in which to work on my book. 

Guess what? That is probably not happening in the near future. And I am not going to tie up this post with a bow, and say that it is not important enough, then don't worry about it. Let those other tasks go.

No!  I am going to tell you that these distractions, whether they are "real" (internet surfing) or imagined (guilt, fantasizing) really are trying to tell you something.

You have to either adjust the way that you work, make time for the things you really want to do (being more politically aware, cleaning your home, helping your kids with their homework more often, looking for a new job, carefully writing that book or screenplay) and make the changes towards doing so. Simple, huh? 

When we are engaged, we do not flip and flop from one thing to the other. When I am writing these posts, for example, I enjoy it so much, I usually do not stop for long stretches. That is a good thing! I am (quite hopefully) going to be able to start making some adjustments to how I also work on my "real" job in the non-profit world, working with the Children's Lifesaving Foundation, so I may bring the same type of focus to jobs that are a bit more tedious, like admin work or writing grants, for example.

There are thousands of posts, books and sites about productivity and focus out there. And I have studied a lot of them. One stands out and I'd like to share it with you, because, in the good spirit of not multi-tasking, we will get right to the source:  

I have an online mentor whom I have never met IRL, but has been a huge inspiration to me: Leo Babauta of his terrific blog, Zen Habits. He has a new  fully dedicated to this type of amazing focus, as well, and here is what Leo has to say about what he calls  "Grand Canyon Focus:"

"Imagine you’re standing at the edge of a cliff, where you really need to concentrate in order not to fall into the abyss. Imagine the intensity of that, the forced focus, the complete and utter devotion to being present.

Now try that kind of complete and utter concentration for reading the rest of this post. No distractions, no pulling away to other things, just stay with the words, keep connecting with me and the meaning of this article. Be here, without fail, or you’ll fall off the cliff.

You can practice this with any task, from washing a dish to writing a paragraph. Fully pour yourself into it, so that the doing of the task isyou. The doing is a full expression of who you are.

To really master this kind of focus, set aside practice time each day. Tanaka-san could only manage it for two hours a day. Try it for just 10 minutes a day, then 15 after a week, then 20 a week after that, only expanding after your practice period becomes too easy.

This is the practice of ichigyo-zammai, which means full concentration on a single act. Zen master Sunryu Suzuki wrote:

“So instead of having some object of worship, we just concentrate on the activity which we do in each moment. When you bow, you should just bow; when you sit, you should just sit; when you eat, you should just eat.”

You don’t have to do it all day long to achieve this kind of enlightened activity. A single bow, a single meal. Just this, and you’re fully practicing.

What do you want to master?"

Can you practice this kind of Grand Canyon Focus with that task, he asks? I love this. This is just a reminder to pay attention when you are distracted. It means so, so much more than you think it does...xo

Are You Living The Dream, or Living IN One...?

Do you spend an inordinate amount of time day-dreaming? I do...I know that, for sure, and have done so since I was a child. 

In fact, I even had a name for it: "Thinking Minds." (!) I told my little brother, "please leave me alone, I'm doing 'thinking minds.'" During that time, in my head of course, Batman and Catwoman were about to get down to it, or I was living alone on an island, and had to fend for myself, or, much later, I became pals with the entire Van Halen band, and we would vacation together, me making lemonade for them in something resembling my aunt and uncle's summer cottage they'd rent near a lake in Connecticut. (I'm not even joking!)  Later, I was a famous model and movie star and dating Sean Penn. The list goes on. 

I am older now, and still do it. Constantly. Do you? 

And here's what I happen to think about this: I think it's okay. As long as you keep your head on straight, and are not (too!) delusional, a rich fantasy life certainly cannot hurt, and in fact, could be a way of safely compartmentalizing your stress. When things are just a little too hairy in your life, and may not be changing for awhile, especially in the case of a break-up, job, serious illness, loss of a loved one, or similar tragedy, zoning out a bit may even be prescriptive. Daydreaming may add some needed zest when you're exhaustedly caring for a six-month old, or not making love with your partner much these days. Or  it may provide some much needed motivation when fantasizing you're in that perfect job, when you are currently unemployed. 

Jess Lively has really been talking a lot lately about Abraham Hicks and Law of Attraction, and I am really fascinated by people that can really and truly take this concept to the "feeling" level, something I am currently playing around with. That is, acting as if.  As if you already have the job, are making the film, about to get your novel published, are engaged, pregnant or in the process of buying that new home. As if it's all, actually and really... happening.  

I think this feels disingenuous and well, a little crazy to most people. BUT! The fact of the matter seems to be this: We spend such a great deal of our time putting the almost opposite energy vibration towards the things we do not really want at all ("He will never go for me," I will never get out of debt," "I will never have the moxie to make that movie," "That job is too far above me!") that we are already, unbeknownst to ourselves, vibrating out to the universe these bolts and waves of negativity. We are simply so used to it, that "shifting" it in the other direction feels like we are efforting too much. But does it, really, require that much effort turn it around? Maybe we are just stuck in this negative feeling zone. 

Just like we spoke last week about rewiring neural pathways, I think the very same thing goes for "feeling" the outcome beforehand, in terms of applying the Law of Attraction. What it really boils down to, they say,  is believing what you "dream" and fantasize about will one day come true.

But you have to feel it first. 

Daydreaming is like baby stepping to the Law of Attraction. You just have to add that extra dose of "feelingness" to your daydreams to make them do double-duty! I am going to make more of a commitment to really putting this concept to good use this month, and I promise to report back...Would love to know your thoughts!  xo

Getting Out from Under: The Trap of the "Bad Day"

Of course, I have to start this post by saying that I am not a therapist. Of any kind. I have been in therapy, in the past, so this post is not meant act as a substitute for that, in ANY way. It's a post for those of us who have just had too many sh*tty days, maybe consecutively, many on-and-off, but enough that you are feeling like "enough is enough." 

I completely understand. I have also started to feel a bit of the pre-Spring slump lately, especially when your New Year starts off with high hopes, and somewhat of an emotional bang. Reality sets in, and often, the very same things that have been plaguing us and have kept us stuck for so long are still, unfortunately, still there. 

It's hard to climb out of this kind of vague slump, because we have spent trying to do so, our emotional muscles get so tired, and we just want to put the cover over our heads, and read our latest good book on the nightstand (speaking for myself, here!) We spend so much energy trying NOT to feel bad, we scoffed at any other generally good and sound advice. (Call a friend! Schedule a manicure! Take a walk!) I know. You just want to smack someone who suggests this when you are feeling like this. I really get it, believe me. 

So- what to do if you keep having days like this, have always had days like, but always do manage to bounce back? How do you reduce the time spent feeling like crappy?

I think you don't have to stop, feel it in your body, ask yourself what's wrong, etc, necessary. You KNOW you are having a terrible day. But it's important to stop right there. As we have spoken about here in past posts, the brain's neural pathways can get used to any environment. Neurons that fire together wire together, and vice versa! If you are used to feeling like crap, believe me, the brain does, too. Sometimes, you have to make the brain put on its Nikes and just "Do it", even though it feels like lying on the couch and eating potato chips. (Metaphorically speaking, of course! ;) 

So, okay, you are feeling lousy again. And you have a fun day of work, which maybe you are not looking forward to. And the kids are getting on your nerves. And the house is just a mess. Just...stop for a moment, before taking the next disagreeable thought or action. Then ask yourself:

1. What do I really want to be doing right now? 

2. Is there any way I can incorporate that, in any way, shape or form, into what I am doing currently? If you work from home, could you perhaps take a break to do that thing that will put your mind at ease? If that calming, clearing thing for you is cleaning or tidying, throw a load of laundry in, or wipe down the counters. If it's Facebook or Instagram, CALL a friend, instead, to get that hit of connection, instead of spending dead minutes or hours scrolling. If you are at work-maybe you can schedule meetings with co-workers who make you laugh or you get along particularly well with. If your work is labor intensive-in the service industry, for example-and you have a pretty set itinerary to your day or evening- then definitely schedule something not for when you get off work tonight or later-but- for something LATER ON in the week you really will look forward to: Visiting a favorite niece or nephew, grabbing drinks out with friends, seeing that Oscar flick that you missed, plotting some Sexy Time USA with your Significant Other, just whatever it may be. Tonight, or whenever you get home, you need to chill, but scheduling something later in the week, well, that should give you a nice, refreshing little boost.

3. Go to Trader Joe's. (This always works for me!) I'm serious! There is something about this company that is simply good-mood inducing: The cheerful staff. The adorably named food items. The cute packaging. And the great deals. Where else can you find a $6 bouquet of roses, free samples, and adequately priced, quality almond butter-all under one roof? I adore this place! Make a list. Even if you're at work, go and hit that Trader Joe's now, or on your way home from work, or whenever you schedule allows. You may even grab some extra wine and cheese, and be motivated to call a few friends to come on over! Yay! If anything, at least you went grocery shopping for the week. ( #amiright?)

4. Clean something. Right freaking now! Yes. This site is not House & Mind for no good reason, man. Gretchen Rubin of the Happiness Project is even writing a book about this phenomenon, because it works, called Outer Order, Inner Calm (landing on shelves next Spring!) Sometimes, feeling really down is just anxiety in a super-duper sneaky disguise! You may not feeling like exercising or going out for a nice walk, but just try to clean or organize one, small thing in your apartment or house right now, and see how you feel then. (we have a few Tiny Tidys posted that are just the ticket!) 

5. Remember: This Too Shall Pass. One of my oldest friends used to say this to me whenever something terrible or just uncomfortable happened, and it's absolutely the truth. Tomorrow is another day. 

But...the more you "catch" yourself from falling into the trap of a bad day, the better off you will be from preventing them in future, and get adept at literally turning them around.

PS-Just please remember, some days DO just, well, s*ck. (And that really is okay, too!) xo

What Self Presentation Means To...YOU

There is so much that can be said about this topic, I don't even know where to begin. This post could be titled "Finding Your Personal Style," I guess, or "Clean Out Your Closet for Good!" But, especially for women, the topic of how a person puts themselves together, (or chooses not to)  is one that can cause some considerable debate.  It is politically, emotionally, often ethically charged, when we talk about the provenance and price of our clothing, what wearing and using what really means. And then- there's the make-up we use... And the quality, the organic "cleanness," of said make-up. Of course, then also,  is the loaded "style" aspect of all these myriad choices, and what they "mean" to one's personal expression. #Oy...!

Which is why, I think, so many people just, well, sort of give up on their own self-presentation, after awhile. They let their bodies go. Wear the same yoga pants every weekend. Dread opening their closet doors! Yikes. I know this feeling. It's funny, I feel my home so much more greatly expresses who I am, so much more than my choice of clothing shoes, accessories and hairstyle do. I wonder how common this really is...

My mother told me she always got dressed for herself when she was younger. But I have heard many women say that they dress for other women. This means that we want sort of invisible nods and kudos from each other for looking cool, attractive, and put together. We want the approval and acceptance of other women. This makes sense, to a certain extent. (Guys, I'm sorry to leave you out of this. I just have no data on this, in terms of you all.) 

But what if, say, one day, we have the need to channel the very 'Seventies look of our first baby sitter's hair? Or want to pretend we are an artist's' model from Paris, circa 1923? Then what? What if it's simply too stressful, expensive, outlandish, childish, waste-of-time, frivolous (pick any adjective that suits you!) to express yourself, well, through yourself, and the way you put yourself together? How do you even start, if you do in fact have the creative desire to try and cultivate a more daring, or just more put-together, cute, athletic (again, pick your adjective, here) look?

It is rather challenging, right? 

I am working on a special project that will address this very issue, and I would love to hear back from you! Please email us your thoughts about you go about loving and feeling your best-vis a vis your self-presentation, I'd love to hear how you go about it. (Or don't go about it!)

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts! xo

I am certain one of my many neighborhood babysitters in the 70s used Breck shampoo! They always had the raddest, longest, cool-girl hair, that I still, to this day, struggle to emulate. :)

How to Stay on Top of the Big Things While Dealing with all of the Little Ones...

It's really hard to focus on a huge project-whether work or creative, while staying on top of your day-to-day. Countless productivity systems have been developed to help us get and stay and keep on track. They are literally almost hundreds of ways and systems that have developed over the past twenty years of chopping up one's time and focus, to try and create real and genuine balance in your life. BUT, that is NOT what this post is about...

One thing that I have found that really helps when stressing out big-time is to look at everything, in the midst of those same feelings of great overwhelm and stress, and appreciate, for a brief moment, what you really have going on in your life. If it's a lot, then you are lucky, man! Even if you are broke, financially struggling, working two jobs plus a side gig of walking five neighbor's dogs- you ROCK! If you have too much to do between big work commitments and raising a hectic family, how fortunate you are that you have that happening, and you have that family around you as a sustaining force, as well as the motivation to get up each day, and get sh*t done! A student going to school, but working every spare moment to cover her tuition and living expenses? She is already fifty percent ahead of a huge percentage of her non-working student friends, gaining knowledge and experience that is genuinely priceless. A single mom struggling? Hey, man, you have that great kid(s) that make you get out of bed every morning, and they rely on YOU for everything. Do you think they give two craps that you work at Trader Joe's, and have a catering gig and drive for LYFT on the side to help make rent each month? C'mon! They adore you!

In other words, having any amount stress in your life means you are, or are on your way, to doing really good things. Yep, the truth hurts:  It's the way one handles the emotions stemming from the stress that creates how much we can succeed and achieve, whatever that means to you. (Also, if you have a boss or spouse from hell, these are different stresses, and ones we can refer you to get help in a professional way.) 

This post is a gentle reminder to give yourself a little break. Seriously. Could you, in fact, not only be doing just okay, but actually, quite well, yes, thank you? Can you tally up a few good stars for a few things these past few weeks that you are proud and want to share? Of course you can! So, pat yourself on the back right now, and take that deep breath. You ROCK. I swear to God, you really do. 

(And don't you forget it!)

Birds of a Feather: On Flying with Your Flock

Everyone from the ever-hustling and magnetic Tony Robbins to the most zenned out of Buddhists will almost universally agree: You are who you hang out with. But what if this, well, admonition, if you want to be honest, wasn't entirely true? What if the whole of your experience as a person on this earth does not solely have to rely on what you have accomplished, or how much you have "succeeded?" How can you keep the people in your life balanced, when you don't want to hang out all the time, but they still make up who and what you are as a person? The answer is simple: Boundaries. Made to be reinvented and re-implemented in an ever-changing way. 

I know. If you are someone who feints at the thought of hurting anyone's feelings, I feel ya, believe me!  Especially if that someone has been quite close to you, or has been a huge, integral part of your life. Birds of a feather do flock together, but they also pair off, fly in different squadrons, even go solo for a little while. It's important to recognize what you want in your life via your friendships, how much you can or want to give, and what you need. And to respect the very same in others. 

It is essential to find the friends and collaborators who will feed your soul, partner on future projects and have like-minded career goals and life values. But- what about those who have served a purpose in your life? Is it important to "cut them out?" I don't think so. Unless someone is sucking the true life out of you, consider this: 

What if the tapestry of your relationships can form a quilt of a different stripe, if you look it at that way? If you can try to balance personal and emotional  boundaries within your flock of friends, and know who to limit your time with, reserve more space in your life for, and be aware of which old pal  is always down for a drink or coffee or tea when times are tough- might that also work for you? Your friendships can weave a thick, warm tapestry that make up the richness and memories of your life!  Good and bad, these friends have been there for you-in one way, or the other. Respect this tapestry, and honor your own needs and boundaries, and watch as you all fly, up and away, together. xo

Pre-Game Your Spring Clean this Weekend!

Yep! It's that time of year again! Spring is, finally, on its way. But! Not yet... I am fortunate that I live in Los Angeles, where the weather has been a bit rainy and dreary this week, but it is absolutely nothing compared to what my family and friends on the East Coast, and in the Northeast, have been dealing with.

Wherever you may reside, if you did not do a post-Holiday sweep of your home, spring is the time to really renew and refresh your space. 

But do not fret! If you are stressing about not being able to tackle your entire home, we are going to break down a few things for you that will help you be on your way. Promise!  

Hang on to your hat! Here we go:

1. Choose the "big" project you have been dreading- and get to it! 

This may sound counter-intuitive, but tacking something you have been putting off-painting a closet or kitchen cabinets, grouting the tiles in the shower, cleaning your windows inside and out-whatever you've had on a physical or mental list to get finished. If you have to go get painting supplies, take this weekend to go do it, a few hours to plan out and organize the task, and start it. There is really no need to take two full days to do most projects like this...You can shoot for a few hours on both Saturday and Sunday, or just part of a Saturday. Put off any other errands and chores you may have, get your partner, friend or babysitter to watch the kids -until you dig into this one project. 

Here's what will probably happen...

You may balk at this. Wake up Saturday, and want to go back to sleep, or off to brunch, or hit your Netflix queue. Guess what? You can treat yourself AFTER, not to worry! You will see your friends and get to watch Netflix again, I promise! But seriously, I am not making light of this. These blocks can be huge, and are often paralyzing. Because- if you are blaming your inability to do more important things (your novel or screenplay, painting, starting a side business, looking for a new job, checking out and organizing your finances) on the fact of your looming household projects, there is no other way to get over this, than to get through it, and to tackle what is holding you back. 

"What, little ole' me?" you may be saying? Yes, you! A lot of us do this, and the easiest way to stop it is to just...start it! Just start, in any way you can, if blocking off the whole or part of the weekend is too overwhelming. That's okay. 

THEN, here's what will happen...

After you start, even if it's just taping of the edge, to paint, or doing the bathroom windows, inside only: YOU WILL START TO FEEL SOME STRANGE, NEW ENERGY! You will start to feel that, gasp, you will be able to possibly finish this project, maybe even someday very soon! You may want stop. But, the very next moment, you will want to keep going! You will realize what a badass you are for even starting this thing! Screw it, you will say to yourself- "I'm gonna finish this! 

2.  Do a Mini-Sweep of Your Home

*Disclaimer: You are going to need a few baskets and/or bins to do this. It is not necessary to buy these. Most of us have these in our garage, closets or laundry rooms. Go grab 'em now! 

• For all I know, you may have some spare holiday decorations or pillows or something hanging around. Are you kidding me? Get rid of those things! Pack them off into storage, the garage or attic.  

• Lighten up any textiles, pillows or blankets that are too heavy, and pack them in wherever they normally go in your home.  If your weather is still lousy, you may want to toss some of your quilts and blankets into the dryer, on low, with some dryer sheets to freshen them up.

• Recycle any magazines, newspapers, catalogues or mail that you can glance at any know they are meant to toss into your bin. Do not take longer than ten or fifteen minutes to do this. If you have a pile of mail that is getting to be real a bitch, find a cute, small basket and put it in there for now, and lay it on your kitchen table or counter.

• Gather your children's toys in large plastic bins and ask them if they want to donate anything to a child less fortunate.

• Take a lint roller to your sofa and stuffed chairs or sectional if you have dogs and/or cats.  

• Take another basket or bin, and literally clear off your coffee table, minus any important papers or bills. (Just do it, trust me!)

• Take your natural, all-purpose spray cleaner, a clean rag, and wipe down all of the light fixtures and door knobs in the house. 

• Clean the window sills the same way. Just a light dusting will do just fine. 

• Open the fridge, peer in, and toss out at least one or two (or three! Or four!) items that are expired. If you can't find any you are A). Lying or B.) A Very Good Person! I'm kidding. I honestly hate throwing away food, but it really does happen to the best of us!

• Okay, now STOP! (Take a nice break.)

3. Make a List. Be Ruthless.

Okay. How does it feel to have done the above? GOOD. Am I right? You know I am! Because I know this high, and it's the best feeling ever. That's what we're going for, here. A taste of feeling that accomplishment that comes from doing something wonderful-just for yourself. I do not care if you finished or even start the big project. If you are reading this far, you are motivated to galvanize your space, and maybe did a few things off of the list above. I hope so! It's important to know that what's holding you back on the outside directly corresponds to what's holding you back -inside. Once you can accept this fact, you will no longer be able to BS yourself, and you be able to banish these household tasks and slay these domestic dragons as easy as brushing your teeth in the mornings. (And you better be doing that!) 

Now, start making a list of what you want to do to your home this spring, and what needs to sorted and cleaned and made better.  Maybe you are pretty clean and tidy already, and do not need to do a massive spring-clean this year. Maybe you'd just like to focus on decluttering, or, if you've been doing that awhile, selling some of your old things on Poshmark, Craigslist, or eBay. Maybe your garage is a disaster, and you want to focus on that. If it’s a big project, break it down in ten to twelve actionable baby steps. If it's a general "To-Do" cleaning list, just randomly list what comes to mind. 

You are going to feel so good by Sunday night, I promise you... (And even if you don't, you still started!) 

Yay! Feel good. And cue that next Netflix marathon! 

Five Steps to Help Make up for "Lost Time"

"I cleaned up. I quit drinking, I quit doing drugs, I quit stealing, I quit breaking into houses, I tried to quit being a bad human being. I developed a conscience later in life than many. I call it the lost-time-regained dynamic."

-James Ellroy, writer

I was sick last week. To be more accurate, I was sick in bed-almost the entire week, two weeks ago, and then spent a sort of "lost week" last week: Going through the motions at work, spending an inordinate amount of time reading (James Ellroy, actually!) and feeling like crap, and guilty about it, all the while. 

I managed to read about six novels and write over 5,000 words of my own, while being under the weather, but I still felt terrible and strangely guilty! I have been thinking of this concept of "lost time," and what James Ellroy so poignantly referred to as the "lost-time-regained-dynamic," and just thought: Here is one very smart dude. Not to digress too much, but James Ellroy lost his mother at age ten when she was murdered (the case is still unsolved today, sadly) and went literally almost off-the-rails in his early twenties-drinking, drugging, and even spending many years homeless. 

I read his biography years ago, and do not recall the complete details of his recovery, but somehow, he managed to pull it all together. And instead of fretting over lost time, and punishing himself to a greater and greater degree, he made up for it .

But how does one "cash in" time when we have used it up, wasted it, squandered it? Then what? 

What if you've been laid off, had an illness or one in the family, have acute financial trouble, and just, man, cannot see a way out. What if your days turn into weeks and months and years of inactivity. What would be the instigating moment for you to try to forgive yourself, take the baby steps toward real change, and establish a new set of rules for your life? 

Here a few things to think about:

1. What do you really want? 

Do you want to be more creative? Follow a dream that is still burning, but which you have somehow let go along the way? A new job, or position within your company? To become more organized, have more friends, attain a new relationship? All of the above? You need to pinpoint what is really causing you this pain before you can completely move out of living in the past...Take a few hours this week to really think about and focus on this. You can start as small as you like, as suggested by the wonderful Leo Babuta of Zen Habits, who also offer suggestions on taking baby habit steps. 

2. Stop the "Second Arrow" from hitting you in the heart

Buddhists say that it is not the thought that causes us pain, but our perception and the story we build and tell ourselves around this thought. This is not an easy thing to change, especially when it comes to change: We want huge change, stellar results, fast and immediate impact. This, of course, is totally silly. We feel we have wasted so much time-being frustrated, tormented, and bullied by our own conscience. The arrows become sharpened, aimed and fixed over time, our minds-the target. And we live in a culture steeped in a anxiety and worry. Do not buy into this, please. Before you move forward, you need to learn to smile at those arrows, especially as they fall to the ground of your heart, and slowly disappear, and melt away. Try practicing this image, and use it when you go on a walk, or sitting at your desk, or in the morning, or before bed. Did you try it yet? Guess what? You're meditating! (Ha! Tricked ya.) Controlling the mind is the fastest way to control your life. How you react is everything. 

3. March that bully in your brain off the playground (or give him a hug!) 

Now that you've identified those arrows, it's time to see where they are coming from. Who is this bully in your head? Because that is what happening. There is a story you have been telling yourself for such a long while, but feels it has a place, stealing your proverbial lunch money-your confidence and "chutzpah" (which is Yiddish for "balls.") Would you allow this person to talk to your kid, Grandma or dog or cat like that? Hell no, you wouldn't I bet! A wonderful therapist I was practicing with even had me envision these separate voices, if you can imagine that. Talk about powerful. And you know what? I think you will be surprised at the amount of compassion you will have. And that is the start of it all, of course-feeling that love and good-feeling flowing back towards yourself. (And please note, if your inner bully is being personified as an actual person who did you harm in the past or currently, going to a certified therapist is highly suggested here, and recommended.) 

4. Say "I'm Sorry" to yourself...

This is probably the hardest thing to do. Because holding onto this pain is the very thing that has kept us stuck. To forgive oneself is to move forward, and I know this can seem insurmountable. But have you ever read those stories of people who completely change their lives, seemingly in an "aha" moment?  And you're like, "Yeah, sure! Easy for them, not so easy for me because A, B and C..." The thing is, it does become easy, once you begin to focus on the one thing you really want to finish, accomplish or work on, and forgive yourself for not doing it already. It's a little secret that is often left out of these stories. It really IS never too late, I cannot stress this enough. It's just not. You need to know this, and move forward with as much joy as you can muster. (AND, if you have hurt others along your journey to this moment, now might be a good time to call or write to them and apologize, if it feels safe to do so...)

5. Start to say "Thank You" as soon as you open your eyes in the morning...

I do this. And it is not as dorky as it sounds, believe me! Much like making one's bed every day,  (I swear, this also sets up one's day pretty nicely, it actually does work!) it sets you up in ways you cannot really imagine until you start doing it. 

Think about the above steps, and try putting them into practice this week. You will soon start feeling you have more time than you could ever have imagined in life....

"Happy families are all alike..." and what I think this quote really means

"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way" 

-Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

How many times have we all heard this quite famous quote? It is ascribed to so many different things, but what the hell does it really mean, exactly? 

People have been excavating and analyzing this quote for decades. It occurred to me the other day, when talking to my friend Mick, a wonderful therapist : When things are right, they are just RIGHT. They feel right, You are in alignment with your choice to be in this moment-whether it be a relationship, lunch date, job, vacation, family gathering, new outfit-you name it. The experience just "fits," there is no guesswork, no icky, achy feelings inside about it. 

Happy families, I feel, are the same: They just, well, "work." Each one is of course different in its minute, emotional make-up. But, for the most part, those feeling of peace, of being in sync, these feelings are universal feelings. This, in my humble opinion, is exactly what Tolstoy was talking about: Being at peace is uncomplicated, and feels, well, good! Across the board, no matter who you are, where you live, or how much money you were brought up with. Dysfunction, disrespect, abuse, neglect in all its many forms-within the context of a family-these are all achingly different, and can be extraordinarily difficult deal with. Unhappiness within the context of the family,  "in its own way," is putting it sort of mildly, right? Of course it is. 

This is just a gentle reminder:  When something does not feel right, but REALLY, does NOT feel congruent with who and what you are, feel and believe in, please-do yourself the service of stepping away, and trusting this feeling, for as long as you can, and go and find the time to reflect on it. (This may also sometimes even be stepping away from your family, if necessary.) 

You can also substitute the word "family" in the quote above for about any other noun you truly care about-including relationships, friendships, careers, gigs, dates, trips, pets...! I'm serious, here! Need a real life situation? Think back to a time your life and friend circle profoundly changed/expanded for the better when you dumped a few energy-sucking people from your life. This is something almost all of us can relate to. Except, it probably took you awhile to disentangle those feelings, and get to the very bottom of it?  But thinking back some more, can't you probably admit that you really DID know from the very get-go that this person was: Crazy, wacky, (insert bad adjective here) ? Of COURSE you did. And you weren't lazy for not cutting the cord on them sooner. You just didn't TRUST YOURSELF ENOUGH TO DO IT!

Please use the coming end of the winter to think about stepping into the spring with a feeling of renewed confidence in your own choices. I promise you, it will be one of the very best decision you will ever make in your life. xo (And with much gratitude to Mick Kubiak for inspiring this post!)

Where Do You Go To Feel "At Home" ?

I was at the Self-Realization Fellowship Lake Shrine Temple in the Palisades yesterday, a sort of Los Angeles cultural institution of sorts. This beautiful piece of property was donated to Paramahansa Yogananda by some very generous and very wealth California residents, many, many years ago. 

It's an extraordinary place, with a lake with swans and beautiful paths and reading benches, and many statues devoted to the unity of all religions, and to the idea of peace for all nations. A lovely, enchanted piece of perfect peace. 

it felt very good to be there, and was actually my very first time visiting there. It got me thinking about where we feel most at home, and how many of us have had to venture outside of our birth families to find a real community, that sanctioned feeling one can call "home." If you were not born so lucky, it can often times not be an easy thing to thing, or to sustain, even. 

I think one can establish a real community by looking inwards towards one's values first. What is TRULY important to you? Is it making the world a better place? Join a political activist group, there are many right now, believe me, no matter where you live. And if you live somewhere rural, you can participate in many of these groups online- phone-banking for your local representatives, and sharing your progress this way. If you are more creative, and feel stuck, you can find a Meet-Up group for just about any artistic endeavor. Classes are also a great way of finding your creative tribe, if you can afford them. Or. consider hosting a one-a-month "salon" at your place, and have a few of your like-minded friends invite others. This is a great way to only feel good, find new creative energy and grab some free inspiration, it will pretty much force you to clean your apartment (#YAY!)  Your people are out there, trust me...And I know it can be hard, especially if the walls of your apartment have been becoming awfully damn familiar to you lately...But give it a try, with something that feels good and right and maybe something you've always wanted to connect to, but have always felt too scared/ashamed/silly to try. 

I am also starting to read Seth Godin's Tribes, and you should, too... (Link below :) Have a great week! 

Traveling with the family this President's Day Weekend?

My brother is taking his girlfriend and two teenagers (boy and girl) to Vega star this President's day Weekend, which prompted this post. They are driving there, and they are not usually a road-tripping family, Camping, yes. Fun outings, sure. They just do not travel together too much as a family. 

What to do if you are traveling with family, especially in a car? And say there's littles or teens involved? Well, since I don't have kids, I'll leave that up you (!) But, we can advise on how to keep your smile, and, hopefully, make some memories that you will look back on fondly (at least one day!)

If you are EXCITED about this trip

1. Yay, that is wonderful. Sounds like you are already grateful and feel good about going away. Just do what you always do, and keep doing more of it!

2. Try to extend this enthusiasm into some kind of tradition you and your family (or friend group) can do each time you go away. Perhaps it's a special trinket you all hunt for, the same thing from each place (like a holiday ornament or fun kitchen utensil, if you cook or bake together)  a special meal you all treat yourselves to on the last night, or a hilarious group photo in which you recreate the same funny pose in a new locale. 

3. Us the time to really charge and think also, make the time to talk about what you all want to do and change together when you get home. A neutral space on vacation is a GREAT time to discuss any more intricate family matters, sibling squabbles, or trouble at school. It's also a great, safe time for you and your spouse or partner to discuss any new changes you may have been putting off (especially since New Years!) Or-anything else you feel safe enough to speak about here. It's a really great time: The weather feels good (hopefully) , and everyone is relaxed. 

If You Are Dreading this Trip

1. We know this sounds annoying, but dash off a half a page of gratitude. Jess Lively actually does five pages each morning guys, and calls this a "Rage of Appreciation." We love this. And admire it. And aspire to it. It's not easy, no way, not at all, especially when you may have very good reason to not be excited to  travel. But try to see what good that you can...

2. What can you do for...you? Can yo afford to book a massage or some type of spa treatment? How about squeezing in a yoga class, or a round of tennis? It's your time, too, so-even if there are family obligations (say, with young children, or you are the Maid if Honor, perhaps) you can still carve out some time. Skip the day drinking before the wedding, or space out the fun-family time between you and your partner. Not everything has to be done totally together. Trust us, everyone will be happier if you are. Take care of yourself, in any way that you can. And if that means writing ten pages of your novel, or getting some work done, by all means, do it! (As long as it feels good, and it actually relaxes you.)

3. Just remember: It's only one (long!) weekend. It will be over soon. If it is really bad, and you can't do it for yourself, fake-it-till-you-make-it for the kids. They may not even remember this vacation if they're little, but trust me, they will remember you blowing up in the car. Or being bitchy to that poor waiter. Or losing your mind at the swimming pool. Just repeat: It will be over soon! Make it as good as you can, for yourself, first and foremost. 

4.  And don't forget, although we are not avid shoppers here at House & Mind, we certainly approve of picking up some great deals on President's Day! When ALL else fails, you can always, well,  shop!