Have a Kondo Hangover? What to do When the Decluttering Ends...

Yes, many of us may have already watched the Netflix series, “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo.” And yes, she is magic, and adorable, and very, very motivating. If you are on this site, I can only assume that you not only have also watched it in its entirety, but were inspired enough to Kondo your whole place, in order, as she suggests, starting with dumping every single piece of clothing and all of your shoes and accessories on your floor and the bed. (!) (Yes, I did this a few months back, too, and not for the first time!)

And you did it all! You went full-Kondo!  You purged your wardrobe, shed a lot of your books and shredded more than a ton of your paperwork. You literally pillaged your miscellaneous objects ( “komono”, as they’re called in Japanese) and put together bags upon bags to go into your alley to be picked up by grateful strangers, of dropped off at the local Goodwill or Salvation Army.  And, finally, you painstakingly even hit your photographs and memorabilia, which was definitely not easy. But you did it! You only kept things that “sparked joy.”

 But then…now what?

In fact, this feeling f depletion after doing a ton of organizing was one of the main reasons I started “House and Mind.”

Because there is SO much more to organizing than purging and putting your remaining things in their proper place.

There are LOTS more of internal “items” that are still going to need some MAJOR sorting, purging and putting away….

Guess what? Now, your physical space is no longer an excuse. This may hurt a bit! Your mind may be desperately  searching for a quick fix, something to store and clean and file away.

Maybe it’s time to Kondo those old dreams, ex-flames, half-done projects…File them away, or make time, in the case of a creative or work thing- to actually square it away-one way or the other.

Finish it. That’s what you really want to do, after all. Take all the energy you spent cleaning and de-cluttering, and give it to yourself, right now. Make a plan, clear your time. Find the mental space. You deserve it…

Embrace Your Story

Whether it’s New Year’s Day, Rosh Hashanah, or any old day you simply have the blues about the way your life is currently going, sometimes we can get into mind-spiral that seems pretty universal. It sings a song to the tune of something like this:

• What I did accomplish? (Which wasn’t enough, somehow!)

• What I did NOT accomplish?

• What others around me did or didn’t do…

• How I’d like our life & world to be, well, a little bit different. (A lot different, let’s be f*ckin real, here!)

But while you are thinking about all of the myriad and many things you did and did not do, the relationships that failed and left you unfulfilled, the life that isn’t yours,  I’d like to challenge you to reflect and think hard about what you really DO want …

It goes without saying that our Instagram age has turned many of us into, well… spectators of our own, and everyone else’s, lives. Spectators who may be comparing and contrasting all the while...

You think you have things figured out- but the sudden pop or post of someone else’s life seems a testament to things that haven’t shaken out quite the way you’d liked...

But consider this: It is so important to hold fast and steady to what is really important to you, what you truly do value. Maybe, sometimes, you are embarrassed that you don’t even really give a sh*t about owning a big home. Or you never, not really, wanted to get married in the first place (or you wish that you hadn’t!) Or perhaps, the pressure of having money was something you never signed up for in the first place, and you want out of the rat race…

Be honest with yourself: You have created this life. It is your very own. Now is the time to start appreciating this creation, even if part of your mind wants to convince you that it’s not good enough. Start spinning your story UP-wards instead of into a dreary, bleak spiral of complaint and regret, and stop comparing your own life with everyone else’s. You have made your own choices. Now, it’s time to own them, baby! And how exciting that you have the strength, the moxie and ability to do this right now.  Trust me, that friend with a bunch of kids in their perfect house wishes she was you more often than you know. And there is always time to adjust the things you thought were set in stone. Take it easy on yourself…

I also want to share a wonderful post by Gratitude App Founder Aarushi Tewari, “The Way to True Self-Acceptance” on the Gratitude Blog. It further touches on what we’re talking about here, and has some great, proactive steps you can take to get closer to embracing your story, and how far you’ve come.

And please…remember: Just give yourself some credit, some real credit. You have survived a lot, endured, enjoyed and lived through your own journey this far. NO one has a story quite as unique and beautiful and resonant as your own. Own it, and embrace it. It’s yours, and it’s beautiful putty in your hands. Look back on what you have done, and mold it into something you can be proud of, even in your own mind. You are the only one you ever have to impress... YOU. xo

There's a Mouse In Your House! Unscrambling your Assumptions

Well, I know this is hard to hear, and sort of hilarious, because I have a site dedicated to helping people become both more present and keeping their personal home environment clear, organized and tidy, but, dude, this past month…I discovered I had a MOUSE in my house. Yes, it’s true…(Eeek!) Eeek is right.

After trying, naturally, to do all of this myself, I finally broke down and called my apartment manager, who sent over our very sweet and efficient super, who very quickly found the hole it was coming in through (behind the dishwasher!) and patched it right up.

The thing was, before finding out where, exactly, this mouse had come from, I made all sorts of assumptions: It was because of the peanuts I sometimes leave out for the squirrels that I love in my back patio; it came from this space, or that place, in my apartment. Maybe a neighbor was angry at me, (the older lady who HATES squirrels next door!) and tossed one in while my backdoor was open? Ahhhhh…

I mean, to put it mildly, I was losing my sh*it…(Over, I may add, a tiny mouse.)

But the super came, and found the proper spot of entry, as I mentioned, within about 15 minutes.

My mind, however, went in about 15 million directions! I thought about how often we do this: We often insert ourselves into situations that, really, we have no control over whatsoever.

As my sweet friend Lesli tried to console me, reminding me that this little mouse was only looking for shelter and food, and bits of paper to make a nest and have babies, my imagination conjured a hellion force of rodents, hell-bent on invading my little cozy abode. I simply could not feel at peace at all…

I even spent one night out, as I felt the mouse was “trapped’ in my place, after the space behind the dishwasher was patched up.

And then, I thought about it: ‘This poor little mouse,’ as my friend said. This little guy is really only looking to just get by.

He meant me no harm.

I started to relax: I came in the next early morning, opened the back door, (and left it like that, for the first time in a few weeks!) cleaned up, and wished the little guy well. I also silently asked the little mouse to please go his way to be safe, and to not come back, that I lived here, and that it didn’t.

Well, guys, it has been a few days, but- so far, so good! No mouse. Nothing!

What assumptions do you have about situations in your life that, really, have NOTHING at all to do with you? Is your boss being a royal bitch this week, and you’re absorbing it, thinking you may have something to do with it? Maybe her father is really sick, or she is going through a divorce. Or maybe, she’s just having a REALLY sh*tty week. It happens to all of us, constantly, almost daily.

With our friends, loved ones, and colleagues…We can assume any little thing about ANY little thing that is said, that happens or occurs.

We need to try and relax.

Sometimes, things ARE the way they are.

Just do what you can, and take responsibility for what YOU can. Keep your side of the road clean and clear. Wish the other person well, but disengage with the idea that you have ultimate control, or can solve, find a solution for, or can fix every little thing.

Sometimes…You just have a mouse in your house…And that is IT. xo

How (Not) To Talk To Your Friends & Families About Politics (& Get Busy Instead)

I could just cut this piece quite short, and say, straight out of the gate: "Don't do it!" Do NOT talk politics right now with family, friends old or new who do not share in your political beliefs...

But clearly, with everything from the #MeToo Movement, #BlackLivesMatter, and our President's daily Twitter rants in the forefront of our social consciousness, it is sometimes not so easy to avoid. 

So, what to do?

The main advice I can offer, especially if you "disagree" with what the other party is putting forth, is to really try to get quiet, and listen.  

I have done a lot of political organizing work, and know that energy is best used in not trying to convert people who very heartily disagree with your views, but in trying to understand where they are coming from, on an emotional level. It all begins there. 

Often times, political leanings have been ingrained in us by either a positive or a negative reaction to our own family systems: You grew up wanting to impress your uber-aware professor mom or writer father round the dinner table with tasty and topical snippets from the NY Times, or all of your uncles in your family are long-time union, or cops, so you grew up on the far-side of the "Left," or conversely, became rabidly anti-Liberal. All of our our family experiences bleed into and make up our political awareness (or lack thereof.) Yes, of course, we eventually make our own decisions. But do not discount where and how your own political beliefs were shaped. 

These are the things to consider when you are on the verge of fighting with someone about Trump, Harvey Weinstein, or anything or anyone else on the socio-political spectrum. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF THEIR PERSPECTIVE, mind you, or pretend to agree with them. But most truly negative opinions come from a place of not understanding the full picture. (i.e., a true lack of awareness, compassion and understanding on many levels.) 

You can just choose not to engage. There is too much vitriol, anger and negativity in the air right now as it is. Call out anyone who is blatantly racist or misogynist, if you have the guts to do so, of course. And better yet, physically leave, and this action can itself speak volumes.

The advice here is this: Save your precious energy when the talk turns to Washington politics. 

Dialogue is always useful, and of course, good, thoughtful debate always has its rightful place. But you know what is even better right now?

Action. Doing stuff.

Stop fighting with friends and family at the dinner table, posting on Facebook until you are blue in the face, and hate-Tweeting. Find a group in your neighborhood, whether you are on the left or on the right, or somewhere in between-and start supporting a political candidate, or cause, you can identify with. 

Stop arguing. We all know you have an opinion that is informed and crucially important to you.

I'm just challenging you today to put your money where your mouth is.

Get out there and do something!

There are extraordinarily important Congressional primary races going on, right now, across the entire country, and the mid-term congressional election is a mere two months away- on November 6th. 

Volunteering for a local political campaign may seem a bit daunting at first, but it's really very fun, quite simple, and functions on most common-level ways of dealing with situations and people. You call people on the phone! You enter simple data or do some emails! You "canvas" by knocking on doors, and discussing your candidates with awesome seniors, brilliant college students and caring, young families alike. Not complicated at all.

It is actually awesome.

You change things by talking action. Not by simply talking about what is ailing you, the planet, or society-at-large. Just like in your very own life! (If you are truly too introverted to make phone calls or knock on doors, they always need help selling swag in the campaign HQ, answering phones or emails, or doing some easy data entry.)

You can look up who is running for the House of Representatives in your CD (Congressional District) here. Then Google "Rep's name" campaign HQ," and call them! Believe me, they will be truly ecstatic to get your call. (Trust me.) 

Try it. See if you like it. And next time at dinner, you can smile sweetly when the conversation gets truly heavy, and kindly say, "I see we see things a little bit differently," and make a crack about 'No politics at the dinner table!' It's an old-fashioned rule for a very good, simple reason. Working to make change, in a positive way, saves your sanity, friendships and family relationships from falling down a bleak, dark hole.

And it allows you to save your energy for the real thing. 

Have a great week! xo

P.S.: And VERY special thanks to my genius copywriter (and brilliant therapist) Lesli A. Johnson! She is the best…xoxo

Muting Your Feed...

You may have seen some of your favorite Instagram peeps proclaiming that they are taking a break from social media, for a week or a month or even longer...Facebook announced this year that you can "unfollow" a friend's feed without them even knowing about it, and Instagram now offers the same option.

Except Instagram calls it something really great: "Muting the Feed."

Both companies have also said they want to prompt users to use both restrictions liberally, stating the opinion that it will enrich and enliven both platforms for the user's own pleasure- as they will only be devouring content they actually enjoy. 

Wow! What a novel concept! 

So, next time that you realize you are dragging yourself back to that annoying book club, or family function, or endless and numbing work networking thing, just ask yourself:

How can I mute this feed? 

Dude, the good news is, in most situations, you really can! You DO have control over you own "feed"-over who you see, and what you do, and where you go.

You DO. (!)

The problem is, we get so looped in, like looking at your third grade English teacher's grandchildren on Facebook, that we do not even realize that we have this choice in our real lives.

But, lo and behold, we... DO! 

To start saying NO, and muting the feed of sh*t you simply do not want to participate in your daily and weekly life any longer, feels simply-great.

Intrigued by this idea? Good! You should be. Maybe pretend that you are a social media celeb going on a social media fast, and have to be really picky about what appearances you make. Make this muting process fun, and give it a genuine whirl...Do I really want to go on that blind date? Mute! That endless girls' night that always ends up feeling toxic? Mute! That movie you get dragged to only because your friend is obsessed with Tom Cruise? Mute. Mute...MUTE!

It is FUN! Just try it. Practice it. Live it. Mute the feed. I promise you. It will change your freakin' life. xo

Don't Shoot "Poison Arrows!" or... How to Better Your Relationships by Accepting the Truth

I have recently begun learning a little bit about the I Ching, the ancient Chinese teachings that help one realize the true essence of both self, and "reality," as we each experience it. 

One of the things it talks about it are "Poison Arrows." Those are specific thoughts that one may have "against" you, or conversely, that you may have against another. Think jealousies, bitter feelings, anger, a plot for vengeance...(!) You get it. Basically, when someone not only does not want the best for you, or would actually be quite happy if you failed miserably, or found great disappointment. Or you perhaps feel that way against another. Ugh. Sheer nastiness, all the way around. 

By understanding that these are "real" situations and feelings, in the sense that they are NOT in your imagination, and you cannot necessarily attitude-adjust them, or whisk them away, via some form of magical thinking, has been quite revolutionary for me recently. The good news is, this realization can simply make one realize some sad, pretty uncomfortable truths- face them right up-front,  figure out a quick plan of action, and then...move ON! It really can that be simple. I'm not saying that this process  of dodging or recognizing the poison and soon removing the bitter arrows is an easy one. Just a simple one. 

It's pretty liberating, especially when dealing with, say, work situations, when impersonal tensions with others can result in far more grave consequences, for everyone involved...

So... What do you do when you know that a person, FRIEND or grouP in your life is shooting poison arrows in your direction?

Accept this. If you have weighed it out logically, and things keep happening in the same negative  way, despite your different ways of handling which are getting the same outcome, it is perhaps time to face some facts: If it's a relationship or friendship, it may be best to really move away from this person, or group, emotionally,  and get some real space. Give it some time, and see how you feel...You may find yourself feeling incredibly liberated. Or, maybe the realization of something being "off" with them alone is enough to realize that the friend has been going through a rough period, and the bitterness is something that has just passed. Arrow removed. It is safe to resume a friendship. 

If you have to work with or around a person or people who shoot poison arrows at work, or in your own family...

Again, quite literally, the truth will set you free. Your own inner knowledge or "ownership" of the situation-seeing it as potentially very damaging- will allow you to navigate the waters as carefully as you can.  The more you understand your own truth about the situation, the more "power" over it you will have. Soon, the other parties will start putting down their bows, and looking for other, juicier targets to puncture. This knowledge itself removes the poison arrows, and allows you to act rationally, and accordingly. They will feel your power, and f- with you no more...

I am the poisoned archer, here. What can I do?

Again, good for you for being woman or man enough to own up to this bold fact! It's one of the hardest things to do. Feeling crappy about others kinda really, just really, well, s*cks! But! You can remove those arrows by starting to meditate around and writing down what you really do want in your life. And maybe come to understand what is truly missing from it.

Ponder this a little bit. What is it that is really missing, or out of sync?  Is it a relationship? The need for more money and greater abundance?  A desire for bigger and better career? Tell your ego to leave the premises when it starts dishing on how sh*tty and selfish that other person is, and deserves your rancorous thoughts. By caring for your own needs and desires, these arrows will start to greatly lessen in force, and you will be able to start directing that "poison" energy towards your own goals and desires, once again. Very simple. But, not easy, as well know so well. 

Will you be sad and uncomfortable when removing the poison arrows from both yourself, and others. YES. But you will be surprised how this sadness will change to action when you are truthful about these above situations in your life. The reality may not be what you wanted to realize. And that's a shame. But it is okay. And you will be, too...

Just remember: We are all humans here, just trying to move through time and space. Give yourself, and others, the break we all really need and deserve...Have great weekend, everyone! 

*REMINDER NOTE: I am not in any way, shape or form a licensed therapist. Just a friend who understands...xo If you really  want to speak to a professional, email us for a list of great therapists we can recommend, who are also be available for phone and/or Skype sessions anywhere you may reside. Thanks to Mick Kubiak for her great I Ching insight. 

Capture that "Back-To-School" Feeling! (Even if you are over-worked, stressed, need a vacation, and broke!)

YES! It's that time of year again...The kids are going off to school, maybe even college...You may already feel completely overworked and scattered and stressed, trying to get the shopping, arrangements, papers ready for the title (or big) ones. Maybe you don't have kids, but you're in great need of a little mental break, treat, or just something fun to look forward to...If either (or both!) cases are you, then please take this opprtunity, while taking some time out to start doing your Un-Plan for Fall,  to think about and tune into that "Back-to-Feeling" from when you were young (sigh!):

• Get very comfortable, in a safe and relaxing space.

• Close your eyes...Calm and quiet your mind, as best you can...

• Try and remember the smells and feelings of that time...

• What comes up for you? Dread? Excitement? Thrilling-ness? Anxiety? It's important to note this...

• If the feeling leans more toward the negative, please don't get lost in this story. Breathe deeply, veer away from it, and try to hone in on any feelings that you can recall that were full of some kind of positive anticipation about this time of year...(Some of us may have to go quite far back! ;)

• Any positive memories you can bring up? What made them so great? Was it the people around you at the time? Was it what you were looking forward to? Perhaps, it was just the fact you had a lovely new outfit that your mom or dad or grandparent had let you pick out on your own...? Whatever it was (and perhaps there are more than one memory) hold it close to you in your heart: Does it bring up a feeling of longing? Desire? Fondness?

• If it does, you hit a sort of paydirt! That is gold! Because, even if the people around you are, well, no longer around, you can give yourself a dose of what you need to get that delicious Back-to-School feeling...back!

• If you miss having specific family around, maybe start a ritual of calling your cousins, parents, aunts, grandparents (whoever you'd like) once a week during the Fall. Are they mostly all nightmares? ;) Then get on Facebook, and hit up some old pals from grade school or high school. YOU have changed, but an essential core of you is still quite the same, believe me. Chances are, you can tap right back into that while chatting or corresponding with someone who knew you, way back when...:)

• If it's the "new-ness" of everything that you really crave, that fun feeling of having new clothing, sneakers, shoes, and school supplies, then find a way that is within your budget to purchase or procure a "set" of something or an outfit that is completely new. This can be office supplies from the Dollar Store, or a new outfit from Poshmark (my ultimate and fave place to both new and slightly used clothing, shoes and accessories-just use my code SHOPFRAN to get $5 off your first purchase!) Maybe you're more into design, and would love to get something new for your home?

Either way, maybe Fall is the time of year to make a big deal out of YOU! 

Whether you are an MBA, or didn't have the opportunity to graduate high school- no matter at all. Fall is a GREAT time to take some time for yourself, connect with old friends and loved ones, and give yourself, or your home, a little gift. 

YOU DESERVE IT. xo

This Fall...Plan to: UN-Plan!

We spoke recently about creating an Ultimate Agenda, then thought the idea a bit too...Uptight! 

Isn't it always what you feel you must have to/need to do that gets in the way of what you really WANT to be doing in your life? 

If you are on this site, we know you are a thoughtful person. We know that you won't take this concept to any detrimental end. So, grab a notebook or pad of paper, cup of tea or fave beverage, a pen, and get comfortable!

PART ONE OF THE UN-PLANNING PROCESS:

• THINK. What haunts you? Those languages you never studied? That trip to Europe you never took? The (maybe) hard fact that you never became a singer/dancer/engineer/astronaut? Write it all down here.
• And, we mean, write down EVERYTHING: All of those regrets. Those "unfulfilled" desires, dreams and wishes. Write 'em down. NOW.
• Now, we are going to go through them, ONE by one. (I know. But it gets better!)
• Europe...That trip. Still want to do that? CROSS IT OFF IF THE ANSWER IS "You know, not really!" We are going to Unplan that trip, and make room for what you REALLY want to be doing, instead!
• What else? 
• REGRETS or WISHES WE WANT TO CIRCLE: Making amends to my family and/or friends  (if I am an addict) Sorry, dude. No Un-plan for that. Those types of things stay right on the list. Re-establishing a relationship with a family member I really do want in my life. Rekindling an old friendship which I truly miss...Those can stay on. 
•  Write down whatever comes to mind. Do you REALLY need to buy a brand new set of Le Creuset pots before you start on your path to being a great amateur chef? No. You do not! Cross that off!
• Do you really have the true desire to renovate your bathroom, or is that wish masking the troubling fact that you are really miserable in your marriage? CROSS THAT OFF. Make a NOTE to book an appointment with a marriage counselor and/or therapist. (I know. Truth hurts. NO ONE is looking at this list but YOU. Remember that!)
• Keep going. Take breaks. Take a week, or however long it really takes, to get honest with yourself, to get really true and honest, and just do this. You deserve it! Trust me. 
• This may take several days. Weeks, even... You may need to evaluate and re-evaluate what you thought were die-hard dreams and desires. But you owe it to yourself to do this. You owe it to the world to be living your best life, and to signal all of the other experiences you have been unconsciously barring from coming forth into your life to take shape, and come forward... 

This is very hard work. Please, make no mistake. You could consult a therapist or your regular meeting group. But you can also just...try and DO this. You can handle it! You really can. You will know if you need help to deal with any hard truths that may emerge. Don't judge! You are changing and enriching your life for the better good by doing this.  This will help you bring forth what you want and really do deserve in your life. This is, actually, a pretty damn exciting process! Do it as slowly or as quickly as you need. And please: By all means, message us, comment here, or reach out. And whatever you do, really try and commit to doing this...It is going to be exciting. 

NEXT WEEK, we will start on PART TWO OF THE UNPLAN! Have a wonderful week! xo

Do You Work a "Real" Job?

I think I have always had a huge problem with lifestyle or “wellness” sites because they never seem to address the whole swath of a country’s vast eco-system- the socio-economics that are in play, and at stake, and the people behind them.

In fact, maybe someone working full-time at a factory, or cleaning houses, or fixing cars, while raising a family, doesn’t have time to read a blog like this one…But, isn’t that a rather ridiculous and obnoxious assumption? Yesssss....Of course it is!

It’s why the U.S. has become so divided lately, among other reasons, because of these very same assumptions, and on both sides, I might add.

We think it would be really so helpful and informative for us to be able to hear from people who work labor-intensive jobs and therefore, have specific issues or needs the likes of sites like ours, House and Mind, usually don’t usually address. We hope that we can be writing for all of our readers. That everyone can find real value in these posts, and gain some sense of clarity, solace, comfort and perhaps, insight from reading them. We want everyone to hopefully be able to gain this type of value from being here. 

If this is YOU, we would love to be able to consider what your life is like, day in and day out, and, if possible, share it with us. I probably cannot understand it directly, that is true. But I have worked in the service industry for years in the past when I was younger, and my day job can get quite stressful now. Maybe you can help us to understand your needs more. 

So, tis post is a little call-to-action, of sorts:

*IF YOU WORK IN MANUAL LABOR (A “HARD” JOB) DRIVING A TRUCK, CLEANING HOUSES, WORKING IN A FACTORY OR ON A FARM, IN CONSTRUCTION, OR WITHIN THE SERVICE INDUSTRY, WE WOULD REALLY LIKE TO HEAR FROM YOU: What do you do to decompress? What makes you happiest? What do you wish were different in your life? How do you deal with stress? What pisses you off? How are you the most misunderstood? How do you deal with hardship? Illness? Pain? What would you like to see on these pages? We are here to help. Tell us what you need. 

Please email us, or leave a comment, below (you can also do so anonymously.) Don’t be shy! And please, feel free to pass this on to any friends, if it  doesn’t apply directly to you…If you think this request is obnoxious or condescending, I understand that. But trust us: It is truly genuine. 

We would so appreciate your stories, feedback, knowledge and insight...Thank you…xo

Whose Timeline Are You On?

I remember years ago, (I’m talking in my ‘twenties!) a good friend was telling me about how she and her husband were trying to get pregnant. They had just gotten married a few months before, and this was exciting news. “That’s great!” I said, pretty reflexively.  

And then I said, “You are right on schedule!”

I kept smiling. Because my friend wasn't.

Not at all.

There was a bit of an uncomfortable silence. 

She soon just looked at me, with the sweetest, bewildered, little look on her face, and said, “Yeah. I just don’t know whose schedule I’m on!” 

It was a good line, and we both cracked up laughing. 

It turns out that, even though she was still in her mid-to-late twenties, she was getting lots and lots of pressure from her mother to have a child, and stat. And eventually, of course, she did get pregnant. Twice! And they turned into beautiful and wonderful children.

But I truly never, ever forgot that conversation.

Because she was being painfully honest.

It probably did not feel right for her to be with the man she was with at the time. I really think that she probably felt it was too late to back down. She got married and pregnant. Learned how to be a good, decent mom. Stayed married for awhile.

Time is such an incredible construct that we have collectively created. 

It is so important to be able to sink to where you are in your life, wherever that is and whatever that may look like, right now. And where you will be tomorrow, and the next week, without judgement.

It so important for you to give yourself permission to live your life on your own terms, every minute, every hour that you are in it. 

I know it is certainly so easy to look at someone’s timeline, their trajectory, and compare it to our very own. We all are, at times, very guilty of doing this. And we may, conversely, feel completely pressured into adopting someone else’s path through life, at times. Or maybe society’s. Or, in my friend’s case, her very own family. 

Then we can spend a great many moments, and days and years of our lives, weighing and evaluating the choices we have made throughout time, even while having a lot of life (if we're lucky) left. We really, really do cause ourselves so much inadvertent, and unnecessary, suffering doing this. 

In the end, though-It is, really, all okay. 

Your f*ck-ups. Your triumphs. Your exciting decisions or your “less courageous” choices. We all feel differently about what we want in life, and how we want to pursue things (or not). We have our own thoughts about how we desire to really live it. It’s all…okay.

My friend also stayed where she was for awhile. Then...She changed her mind!

She made a huge choice. It wasn't brutal, but boy, was it messy. After years of separation and emotional bargaining, she found it within herself to go through with a divorce. And now, after many challenges on all sides, she is ecstatically living her life with a great, new guy.

My friend’s choices were what she decided and acted upon at that particular point in her life. They suited her best, at the time. Much later, they were causing her a lot of pain, and she had the strength and fortitude to get a divorce, which was certainly not in line with the timeline her parents had in mind, who are still (unhappily) together to this day.

But, the good news is, she had some good friends (and a great therapist) and eventually made the very best decision for herself, after spending many years not listening to the unhappiness and discord inside of herself. She broke free of a great many constraints- the main one being her fear over what others would think about her choice to leave her husband. But she heard herself, she got quiet and listened, and felt that she was worth more. Without realizing she was doing so, she was inventing her brand new timeline, right as she went along. 

You can do that, too. Get still. Get quiet. Listen, stop berating yourself. If you don’t make a grand change, or go in a new direction in life, or decide to stay just where you are, for a while ( as long as you are safe, and can make space for yourself in the world.) that is okay, too. Maybe your timeline is invisible to everyone else. Really...

Who gives a crap who is "watching? "The clock only ticks for those who can’t see what time it is. Your timeline belongs to you. And to you only.

And it is always your time.  Always, always, always. xo

Try these posts get quiet and find that safe space inside of yourself:

Inner Housekeeping-Pt 3

*Note: If you haven't read Part I and Part II of Inner-Housekeeping by Mick Kubiak, so please read that first, if you'd like xo) 

Welcome to the third and final installment of the Inner Housekeeping Series! By this point in the process, you have spent some good quality time taking up residence in your inner home. You might be amazed at how much more energy you have, and how much more present you feel after this relatively small commitment of time and energy.

This is because you are tapping into something fundamental. This presence, this place, is your birthright. It has been there, well, dare I say, forever?

The emotions and the thoughts, the perceptions and beliefs, on the other hand, have a temporary quality, as do our psychological patterns—our tendency to panic, for example, or go in a paranoid direction, or get into relationships with a certain type of person. Our beliefs also come and go and change over time. But this place that is our home is always there and always feels the same. It is the space in which all that is temporary unfolds, rising and falling seemingly endlessly. 

As you begin to identify more with the space in which the thoughts, feelings, and perceptions come and go, rather than the thoughts, feelings, and perceptions themselves, you will discover an inner stability that is always there.

You will experience the presence of a monarch sitting on a throne, or a Buddha sitting on the earth. You will recognize the innate dignity and stillness of your being. This is not something you have to develop or cultivate. This is simply what is and what has always been. Your breath and your body are the portals that can get you here any time you want. 

Some meditation practices encourage an active approach to clearing of the inner space. I have found this to be particularly true with the Taoist approach, in which the meditator is encouraged to actively remove obstructing beliefs, thoughts, and emotions, just as a homeowner takes out the trash and recycling, as well as any old pieces of furniture that no longer feel good in the space. If this approach appeals, have at it. 

Other practices recommend a more passive approach, encouraging the practitioner to simply recognize and observe that none of those beliefs, thoughts, and emotions are solid or permanent anyway. Allow them to rise and fall and pass on their own, flickering like the images on a movie screen, maintaining your awareness of that which endures—again, the space in which it all unfolds, in your inner home. 

I have made good use of what I would consider to be some of the best instruction manuals available—The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer, and The Oracle of the Cosmic Way by Carol Anthony and Hannah Moog. All of these books lead straight to the heart of inner housekeeping and consciously living a life that unfolds from the source of your being. 

I have always practiced what works best for me at any given time, and have trusted in my own direct experience of reality to guide me.

The feeling of Homecoming is the perfect metaphor. When you feel that, you’re onto something. Keep going!

Start An "I Give A Sh*t" List!

In preparation for our Ultimate Agenda Launch of next month, we are asking you to do a little but hugely important task this week: Create an "I Give A Sh*t About" List!

This is not a test! 

If you do not care about what's going on in Syria or Sudan or anywhere outside of the borders of your own life, PLEASE! (I repeat-PLEASE!) do not put it on this list. I mean, this is a LIST. A big one. Personal to YOU, only. I want it to be pages long (or maybe not!) But I hope it's thoughtful. And beautiful. And silly. 

Creative Examples:

I Give A Sh*t About: (in NO apparent order!)

-My dear friends and family

-My niece and nephew's future lives

-Dressing to please myself

-Sales at IKEA in January

-Those kids in my neighborhood who seem neglected

-Day-Z (I know! ;)  the Cat who seems to not have a home, but has a collar that says "Please Do Not Feed Me", and won't leave my doorstep.

-My mom's health

-Meeting someone great

-Having a life with someone

-Feeling and finding a perfect match with someone I adore, and vice-versa...

...WAIT a minute! Do you see a pattern? NO, I do not need to adopt this cat! What I do need to do is to meet a great guy! This is why taking the time to make this list is so gorgeous: What you care about is WHAT YOU WANT, or WANT MORE of, in your life! THIS is going to be the foundation of your Ultimate Agenda! (more on that next week!) 

 Just have as much fun as you want with this list. No one is looking but...YOU! xo

Are You Living A Values-Driven Life? Let's Discuss.

I suppose I never understood what it really meant to have my values correspond with my actions until I started becoming politically active. In that arena, I realized, I could meet and work with people from varied walks of life, ethnicities and social strata-all while sharing the very same goal: To get this one guy into political office! 

But, beneath that goal lay a foundation of reasons why we were all spending so many countless hours and (very often!) thankless weekends and weekday nights doing this sort of volunteer work-because we all gave an incredible sh*t about what we thought would make the country into a much better place. Our reasons were intrinsically different, but broadly the same.  

These "reasons" resulted in our collective values banding together and forming a great force, which resulted in the core phenomenon that became the very grass-roots and highly effective movement known as the Obama for America campaign. (Now called "Organizing for America")

And the important thing I have come to realize, often times in a very hard way, is that you can run your life as a political campaign, in a sense! You can collect and bring together like-minded people who believe in the same things as you do, yet who also challenge and help execute and create the how, what, when and why you do them. You can fill your life with the activities that will push forward your "Ultimate Agenda." (more on the Ultimate Agenda next week) and you can also inspire others to work for your "cause."

In effect, your values and life goals can merge into a working thing of beauty. 

You just have to identify what those goals are, and what values rest beneath them. 

If you are very goal-driven, but feel inauthentic, stuck and/or unhappy, perhaps your values are not lining up, or aligning, properly. If you have developed values upon values within your mind and thoughts, but your reality, your work and daily existence and day-to-day life, are not appropriately expressing them well (or at all), it is perhaps time to get off Facebook and Instagram and put your walk into your talk!

What are values?

They are the things you truly care about. They go gut-wide, from “family,” “friendship,” and “doing honest work,” to smaller yet intrinsic personal and soulful concepts- such as when you insist on being true to your word, really showing up for your friends and family, and understanding and breaking down what “good work” really means to you. 

I think it’s a HUGE discussion to have with yourself: Right now, at this very moment, ask yourself: What are my genuine values? And how may I somehow start putting them into action, much more effectively, and in my daily life?  

It matters now, so much more than ever…xo

Inner Housekeeping-Pt 2

by Mick Kubiak, LMFT

(This is continued from Pt 1, so please read that first, if you'd like xo) 

So here we are, in phase of 2 of checking out your inner home. Last week, you just started to get the feeling of your inner home, and to sit in it consciously, for five minutes each day. This week, you will go one tiny step further into inhabiting your inner space.

After a week of turning the volume down on your thoughts, and tuning in to how you feel inside, you may notice that without doing anything else, you already feel more present and embodied. Just feeling how you feel can be something of a revelation. Often we sweep our feelings under the rug, not wanting to experience them, lest they should disrupt us, and our lives. They scare us a little, or a lot. Once we realize that, in and of themselves, that they are just sensations wanting to be experienced, we can relax and get to know them. 

It’s liberating to realize that you don’t have to be afraid of your feelings. 

You don’t have to avoid them, deny them, or hide them.  You also don’t have to express them, address them, or “deal with” them. Just feeling them is a complete experience in and of itself, and at this point, that’s all you need to do. 

In this phase of the practice, you will tune in to your physicality, your breath, and your body, as the anchors for your awareness. In other words, experience your feelings through your body, rather than just thinking about them. Go back to the image of turning the volume down on the radio or television in your head, if that helps. Drop all stories, concepts, and explanations about why you feel the things you feel, and just feel your feelings as they present themselves to you, in your body. 

Notice as you scan your body, from your toes to your head, and back again, if your body feels heavy or light, cold or hot. Are you tingling in any area? Or numb? Simply observe, and stay connected to your breath. 

Some people feel shapes and see colors, for example a black thing the size of a golf ball in their throat, or a cold, flat sheet of paper in their upper back. And what most of us experience is that these areas of consolidated energy change in shape, color, density, as we sit patiently with what we feel. Most of us notice that if we sit with these sensations and continue to anchor attention on our breath at the same time, the sensations shift and transform. 

All we need to do is observe. 

Again, at this point in the process all you need to do is experience the energy as it shows up and moves through your body. Let your thoughts go for now, like people walking past your home that you don’t intend to connect with right now. What you are doing here, building on last week’s exercise, is taking up residence in your inner home by becoming more fully present in your body. 

If five minutes still feels right, continue setting the timer for five minutes and go on about your day when the timer goes off.  If you feel like more time would be even better, set the timer for 10 minutes, or do two five-minute intervals. For now, though, do not exceed 10 minutes. Get in, get out, and get on with your day. 

Next week, we will begin to move beyond just taking up residence in the inner home, and move into some more conscious cleansing of our inner space. Take good care of yourself until then…

 Go here for Part III of Inner-Housekeeping, by Mick Kubiak.

How to Have a Great Summer (Even if You Are Broke!)

I think one of the very best ways to have a really good summer when you are a bit short on funds is to really PLAN. Yes! Planning, planning, planning is key! I know. I can almost taste the collective sigh in the room, practically. You are feeling overwhelmed. You have work challenges, money worries, family priorities...

I totally get it, believe me...

But let's try and break this down a moment, shall we, with a few fun, fast and EASY ways to make your summer absolutely delicious, memorable (in a good way) and shining bright:

If You Are Single (And without kids)

• Ask yourself: What the hell do I really want to do this summer? Relax? Connect with an old friend or two? Have a great adventure? Read a lot? Luxuriate somewhere else? Re-do my outdoor space? (whether that be a yard, patio or small balcony area?)
• Identify the above, but, really do it. What do you need? 
• After you have identified this, you need to figure out what your actual time frame and availability is, and what your actual budget is: Can you afford to purchase that plane ticket to see your best friend in Austin for a long weekend? (Any miles you can use?) Or, if you need a little luxury, will a staycation overnight at a nice hotel and a massage and room service do the trick? Can you afford to make some tweaks to your patio, balcony or yard? Really think about this, but don't take too long to do it, okay? ;)
• If you want to go away-away-call that friend(s), and BOOK THAT TICKET. Just Do it! You have a free place to stay (I'm hoping) and your friend will know where to go and what to do once you arrive in their city. BOOK IT. NOW!
• Same as above, but with your staycation. Call the hotel. Secure the room. Book that massage. Look forward to it-DONE!
• You can also take a fun road trip to visit that friend(s), and save the cash for more important things (like a boozy brunch, or two!)

If Funds Are Really Low:

• Take a day trip/cruise Chinatown or downtown to some cool spot you have never been to in your city.
• PLAN a Summer Party or Picnic: If your place is too small, arrange for everyone to meet at a free neighborhood jazz fest or picnic spot. Bring a frisbee, and invite everyone to bring something special. If the party's at your place, this is a great time to spruce up for summer guests! 
• On the above note, invite a pal or two to come and visit YOU for the weekend, with the caveat that money is a little tight, but agreeing to show them a good time! (You may even get wined and dined a little!)
• Splurge on seeing a band or artist you love. There is NOTHING quite like a brilliant summer concert, and boy, does it bring back all the adolescent feels. Try this in lieu of the picnic with friends, and get everyone with the same musical taste on-board with you. OR- go to one of those shows that WILL bring it all back! Performers like Pat Benatar tour ALL the time! Take advantage of your nostalgia, and live it up this summer!
• Build up your library, and READ! Go over your bookshelves, and make a list of what you really want in there. Make it a fun job to hunt down this summer. Sleuth out your fave, old used bookstore, or-if funds are super-duper tight-get a library card. (You can even download FREE digital titles to your Kindle!)
• Try a monthly subscription to Filmstruck, and do the same as above, but with great films you have always wanted to see, but have not quite made the time to do so. Host your own mini- film festival with friends. You can provide the popcorn and snacks, and have them bring the booze or bevies. Or- do this solo, on a quiet weekend. 
• Give yourself a deadline to finish something-anything, by August 31st. That short story, those last 5 lbs, painting that nightstand you got at The Salvation Army last summer...You get the picture. Nothing huge. Just something...fun that will give you a nice, little jolt of accomplishment and pride. 

If You Have Kids:

• Hopefully, you have been planning with your partner or ex- how to handle the schedule, so it hasn't crept right up on you. If you have some alone time without your kids (they are at camp, with family or at your ex's) then see above. If not, figure out the budget you'd like to spend on outings or a trip. Next...Schedule a little family meeting. 
• At the Family Meeting: Ask: What does everyone feel like doing? Listen. Then tell them what is do-able, within the context of your family's budget. 
• With your keen ear, determine what the family is leaning toward: An amusement park? Beach vacation? Camping? What, what, what? Ask questions. Be impartial. Try not to allow any bickering at the table.
• Then, when a few ideas have made themselves clear:
• Offer three options. Let them debate and go crazy over them. Keep listening. Who really wants to do what? Can some things actually be combined? (Camping with a Six Flags nearby?)
• When you have a decent, agreed-upon, affordable verdict-tell everyone, in no uncertain terms, that you are booking this thing, and it cannot be changed. 
• Book that thing/things. Just do it! NOW! ;) 
• Have the kids, if they are old enough, go through their things and tell you if they need any new clothes or supplies for the trip. Go get those things, or borrow them from friends and neighbors. 
• Negotiate some chores, while you are at it. Why not? Have them hit the garage, since you are being such a great parent, and taking them on vacation.
   

If Funds are Super Low:

• Look online for any free concerts or outdoor movies for kids. RSVP online, or make plans to attend. Take the kids to stock up on candy at Target or CVS, or wherever you get your fun snacks.  
• Go to the movies during the day-or get everyone a MoviePass!  For $9.95 per person, you can see one movie EVERY day! It's TRUE! I have it, and use it religiously. (So, for twenty bucks a month, you and your kid are SET for summer movie time!)
• Go to a park or out to lunch in an entirely different neighborhood. Drive into the country, or up the coast one weekend, just for the day. Poke around in the local galleries and little hometown museums. Little kids love to learn about their state, and can brag about it when they get back to school. It's a fun way to do something intellectual and relaxing, all at the very same time. 
• Go to a few, great museums in one weekend. BofA has Museums on Us the first weekend of each month, and many large museums have "free" afternoons. (Besides, most kids 17-and-under are allowed free admission! Score.) Give them a few bucks to buy postcards in the Museum Gift Shop, to remember their favorite paintings. BONUS: Most museums also have free family classes and concerts-on-the-lawn during the summer. You can stay all afternoon, and bring a lunch in a sack or relax on a blanket. 
• Maybe this is something to do for next summer-but, often, many sleep-away camps offer free or reduced fee scholarship programs. Do not be scared to apply for these. The other kids will truly never know, and camp is a life-changing experience for little ones. Plus, you will get a much-deserved break! 
• Become the "magnet" house: Stock the fridge and pantry with inexpensive snacks and lemonade, or bake the snacks, even better! Tell the kids they can have friends over, within a limit. Especially if you work, and have older kids or teens home during the day, at least you will know where they are, and that they are safe. You can also give them a little allowance for doing chores, so they have some summer spending money, if you can swing it. 
• Plan some hikes, trips to the beach or lake, and make them fun. Bring exciting snacks and lunches-even if it's the normally verboten fast food! Pack everything up nicely for them. Play little word games in the car. These are the experiences summer memories are truly made of! 

So you see? Your summer does not have to suck! Au contraire! Great summer memories are made when you let loose, relax, and hang out with the people you love most (or at least, like a lot!) If you really think about what you recall from your summers as a child, any nice memories probably didn't revolve around reliving the quality of hotel you were staying, what label you were wearing, or how expensive or fancy the meal or restaurant. Lighten up! Identify what you really want and need, and have fun. You deserve it, believe me. 

That is what summer is all about, baby...xo

Selfish or Self-Fulfilled? The struggle of being okay with yourself (Pt.1)

Having worked in the non-profit field for over two decades, I always found it interesting that certain people would comment that doing good for its own sake was somehow very narcissistic : If it made you feel too "good," it was as if you somehow weren't "helping," or you weren't somehow being truly authentic...

I never understood this; I always somehow felt intuitively guided- the better I felt- the better I was doing...It was as if a certain feeling was being checked off inside, a certain internal hum was being released. I made someone's day, week, or year...It felt so good. 

Why does feeling this way in our every day lives often times feel so...guilt-laden? Taking some proper time out, splurging on a semi-nice dinner, grabbing a little something extra, it can often feel (especially for those of us on a limited budget!) a little...off. 

Personally, it is easier for me to feel good if I am doing something nice for someone else. Or working pretty damn hard at something, feeling as if I am really GSD-ing, at a very fast and very healthy rate. 

Only then do I really allow myself to take the time to do something nice for myself. But..other times, if I am NOT feeling so plucky and productive or do-goody, I tend to be a bit more self-punishing. I don't quite allow myself that sweet feeling of a day well-spent, or a job well-done. I may later zone out and watch Netflix, but I sort of hate myself for doing so. 

Sheesh. What is that all about? 

Maybe you cannot relate, and, if that is the case, I really do commend you...!

But, if you are like most people, I bet you struggle with just allowing yourself to feel good, quite a bit. It just feels...wrong, somehow. I so know this feeling!

But, how to conquer it? 

I will be honest with you: I do not know. But we are going to be talking to some of our pros this month, to try to get to the bottom of it! 

Feedback welcome...xo

*Photo by David Goehring

Start Right Here...

Your Inner House-Pt 1

by Mick Kubiak, LMFT

For many of us, our homes are our sanctuaries. They provide us with refuge from the world out there—no matter how noisy, how unpredictable, how cruel, or how demanding it gets-at the end of the day, we can step into our safe spaces, and shut the door. We turn the lock with a deep sigh of relief. Here, we find peace and beauty for our weary hearts. We fall onto the couch, as if into the arms of a supportive and nurturing friend. There is a common phrase—all the comforts of home—that captures this daily return to safety and warmth.

But there is another home—even more vital and sacred than our primary residences. I speak here of the inner home of your Being—the internal space in which your thoughts, emotions, feelings, perceptions, schemes, and dreams unfold; the place from which you—You—view the world and the people and things in it.

One of the great tragedies of the human condition is that most of us do not know that we even have an inner home, and that it needs our attention, and energy, every bit as much as our external home does. Even worse, we have been taught that we don’t have much say in the matter of what goes on in there. We endure, and try to overlook or compartmentalize all kinds of darkness and waste that we would never tolerate in our world kitchens and living rooms.

We must forgive ourselves for this neglect, this lack of consciousness, because our mothers and fathers taught us how to cook and clean, and wash the car, how to balance our checkbooks and pay our bills, but most of them failed to teach us that we have to look inside, and attend to our inner homes as well. This was not malice on their part, but ignorance. They couldn’t teach us what they didn’t know.

Sometimes, the awareness that our inner home is a real place, a real place we haven’t paid much attention to, can be overwhelming, kind of like finding out that you own an actual house that no one told you about until now. When you first go to see it, you’re going to be like, oh dang, that place is a mess. And you might want to just walk away and pretend like you never saw it. Plenty of people do. 

But not you, dear House and Mind reader! Because you know that with the right encouragement and support, you can handle this! I’m telling you. You really can. And at some point in the future, when you have cleared the brush, fixed the broken door, and swept out the cobwebs, you will be standing full of joy in your inner home, so happy that you finally claimed this place for yourself.  

It is this state of inner presence that is known as self-possession, and if you’ve ever felt it in yourself, or sensed it in another person, you want it—poise, equanimity, and inner peace.  Yes, please!

So here you are, standing on the sidewalk, staring at the overgrown foliage and more than a little freaked out by what might be lurking inside the house. Will there be mice? Rats? Squatters? Well, the answers to those questions will come with time and you don’t need to freak out about any of it right now. In fact, if you remember only one thing as you do this work of reclaiming your inner home, this is it: Don’t freak out!  It’s not necessary. Choosing not to freak out is a certain kind of magic, and once you experience the power of it, you will never fully go back to freaking out again.

As you’ve understood by now, this inner home is not visible in the apparent world. It is a place you can only see with your eyes closed, if you can see it at all. I have noticed that some people see their inner world, some people feelit, and others hearit. Still others just somehow grasp it without reference point to any of the five traditional senses. They just know.

You will find the way that works for you if you willingly suspend any disbelief that you have an inner home. In other words, you don’t have to believe it; you just have to be open to the possibility of experiencing it. 

So let’s start there, and let’s start small. This first session will be like a Tiny Tidy for your inner home. 

1. Set a timer for 5 minutes, and close your eyes with the intention of finding out what is going on inside. 

2. Notice what you are hearing—spoken word snippets from your lifelong to do list, snappy comebacks you wish you had thought of in your last conversation, that Taylor Swift song you can’t ever seem to escape. Imagine all that noise is coming from a TV set or a radio, and you can turn it off, turn it down, or just tune it out. Sometimes it really can be that simple. 

3. Once you have attained some inner quiet, notice how the space inside you feels. Does it feel open and light, or cluttered and claustrophobic? For now, just notice. Get a lay of the land. Remember our cardinal rule: it is not necessary to freak out. Just observe and rest easy in the confidence that you can handle anything. You can restore order, brighten, lighten, straighten and shine, as needed. 

4. When the timer goes off, you’re done. Go live your life, and repeat these steps tomorrow, again for 5 minutes. 

Stay tuned for more, next week! xo

Go to: Inner Housekeeping, Pt. 2

Do I Have to Be Mean to Get Ahead?

This is another core belief that lies at the core of many people struggle with-when trying to get their brand-new, spanking ideas out there, going for a new job or promotion, or making a dream a reality. They feel they will have to metamorphose into someone, or something, else. Something bad. Something diabolically ....not them. That they, dear hearts, will have to learn to swim with the sharks in life, or drown, drown...drown!

Well, guess what? You don't. 150 trillion percent, you do not.

But! 

What does getting ahead really mean... to you? Why are you imagining you will have to become someone monstrous, or back-biting? Who have you been dealing with, and what exact beliefs do you have that correlate to this image in your head? Probably, like most of us, gleaming them from way too much TV and movies that reaffirm these things! There are so many crushing stereotypes of "successful" people out there, in every, single field. (And I have never worked on Wall Street, so, stop right here if you are!) But seriously...

You have to remember something:  You have no choice but to be who you really are.

(I know. But bear with me here, please! ;) You will never, ever be able to step all over someone if you are already this worried about doing so, or turn into a version of yourself that you hate... So...don't worry about it! Take this belief off the table. Then look a little deeper: What else is there? Do you feel you will become unlovable? Too successful for anyone to really like? Why? Do you let this type of envy get in the way of certain friendships or life goals, without even realizing it, in your real life? Or maybe you're frightened that others will automatically feel the very same way very about you, if you succeed?

OR, are you perhaps concerned that the upcoming promotion will make you just like every other asshole manager you know? It won't. And that's a terrible reason not go for it. Maybe- you just do not really want to be a manager! And have more time off for your kids or to go running or socializing with friends. Okay. If you can weigh the future gains versus this version of your present, and still come out feeling good- than you are all set! You do NOT really want that promotion...

However! If you feel that the promotion will make you excel, give you a better lifestyle and amplify your desires, then just go for it! No matter that every other manager you have had has been truly awful. You will be the awesome one!

And know, in your heart, that the only "shark” in your heartis the one that is keeping you from getting what you want. Throw out the false belief system that is holding you back from a new experience, opportunity or job that may be presenting itself, if you are already "performing" and imagining the kind of person it's going to turn you into, in that little head of yours...

Relax! You are an ultra-good person, my dear. And some job, opportunity or experience can never, ever take that away from you. Swim with the sharks, even when you feel like a tiny minnow! Be the change you want to see has no more authentic use than in a situation like this.

But you don't have to really "be the change." 

You can just be little ole' you. 

Phew...Doesn't that feel good?

Why Am I Still Broke?... (and other silly beliefs)

Why are you still broke? 

Is it the job? Is it bearing the great responsibility of your family's needs? Is it the fact that everyone is coming first, maybe-their needs, desires, and wants pushing past your own, to the point that you do not even know what you really want?

I often find myself in this place: Frustrated, stuck and unable to make a positive change that will bring me more prosperity. 

But what lies beneath all of this? 

Recently, I have come to think that it is our embedded, almost invisible belief system. The beliefs that we walk around with, that whisper to us constantly, that we had absolutely no clue were ever-present, running at a very low frequency at the back of our brains, and, essentially and eventually, running our very lives. Sometimes the hum of these beliefs turns into a roar, as when you never allow yourself new experiences because they are "too  expensive" and "how could I ever afford that?!!?"

Would you want to hang out with someone who is constantly complaining, sighing, feeling less than, feeling undeserving? Neither does the Universe, believe me.

Have you ever witnessed one of those conversations with someone trying to explain a new project or what they are focusing on in an upbeat way, and the other person keeps saying "But, but... but!" ? It's truly almost comical. Usually, the upbeat person just shrugs, smiles and eventually and politely scoots away from the "but-ing" person as fast as they can. 

The Universe is the same way!

If you feel you don't deserve something (Belief) the Universe will simply shrug, smile and move on, until you are ready to have a more fun, fulfilled conversation with it.

Take some time today, go on a little walk, if you can, and think about what you really would like to have in your life, in material, more "prosperous" way:

 $5k more a month? A new job? A fun, summer  wardrobe? That trip to Cabo? What isit? Then, go deeper...

Listen, as you hear that hum start. Low at first...What is it really saying to you? Translate it, and listen closely! Are you imagining that someone who is financially and materially self-fulfilled is always going to be an asshole deep down? Or afraid you wouldn't be able to hang with people like that, if you get to that "level?" What is this ever-present hum trying to tell you? Tease it out, bit by bit, hum by hum...Just-let it unspool. 

Then, on your walk- go back in time a little bit: When did these beliefs really start? Is there a way to identify them? Usually it's a story, or a piece of an old memory, actually, that sticks out. And maybe it's so silly and small, you couldn't possibly think it has any weight or power. Think again!

There is a reason these little memories, seemingly so tucked away and normally hidden, are your absolute go-tos when that hum starts, and you start trying to decipher them...Something lodged within there that you deeply believed, somehow. And still do, especially if you are reading this far, believe me! 

Just remember that this is just a beginning.

But if you really focus and listen, you will be surprised to learn that what you really thought was just an everyday thought has had tremendous power over your daily dealings. (And not simply in your financial realm.) 

When you have chosen a few choice "stories," your work now is in how you are going to unravel and deprogram them. You need to supply a new narrative, one that honors the old thoughts as you would an old lover...Then, let them go, as you make way for bright, shiny new ones. 

It could go something like this:

"Yes, my friends may have been snarky and jealous when they saw my first day of school outfit when I was 7, and made fun of me."

Whoa! That's a big one. This memory = the Belief: "Who the hell did I think I was, to feel so good in my new clothes? I must not be worthy of them." etc.

Or, you overheard your parents fighting intensely about money, maybe even on a daily basis. This needs some huge unraveling.

This memory = the Belief: "Life is a struggle, because me and my siblings were a terrible burden. It's going to be hard for me to survive and support myself, too!"

You have to remember something:  Your parents made their own choices.You were not the burden. Their choices were their burden to carry.  You were the child. A gift, for God's sake. And sure, maybe you have compassion for your parents, eventually. But not before you get as angry at hell at them, first, if you feel like it!  Kids should be allowed to be kids. I don't care where someone grows up, or what circumstances they are in. To have a child is a choice. If you screw it up, and can't afford to have the lifestyle you want to give your child, it's all on you. They had no right at all to make it your and  or your siblings' problem. I do not care what type of childhood they had. The awful mother or father they were cursed with. Their painful, poverty-stricken childhood, or terrible divorce. 

It does not matter. Th decision to have a family was all on them. 

Are you bristling right now? That's because the truth can often be very painful, and difficult to bear. Even for grown-up "children," who are probably still suffering themselves.

 Here is where  the compassion comes in: Your parents, grandparents or caretakers are only human. They were only doing their best (even if their best sucked.) But please, be and feel angry, if it feels right and safe to do so. Be sad, if you need to. Write all of this down, if that's helpful. All of these feelings are perfectly allowed. 

Now do the above with every belief you've ever had, as they come up, pertaining to wealth, prosperity, and money. Mine are intense, I assure you. Just go through and let go of those teachers, classmates, old friends, lovers, parents, relatives. Let them go into the ether where they belong-as they hum right through and OUT THE DOOR of your belief system. Let them go! 

Then, replace these old ones with some shiny, new beliefs, like the ones below:

(Again, this are not affirmations. Just beliefs to start thinking about, and replacing when that same old song sounds again in your brain.)

• I was only a kid. I didn't have any control over my life or my parents' lives.
• Money doesn't equal happiness. But I still deserve to have as much of it as I want!
• I need and want certain things in my life to bring me joy-things money can buy- and that's okay.
• Struggling financially does not make me more interesting, more creative, or freer. 
• I can never have enough money. The supply out there is limitless.
• I deserve to have a teeming, full bank account. 

Lastly, if you have really identified some core beliefs you have been carrying about your own wealth and prosperity, now would be a great time to work with a good therapist.

Contact us for some great recs. It can change your life (and hopefully, your bank balance!) 

Have a great week...xo

PS- If you are REALLY in need of a Universal Financial Reboot, try this little wonder. I use it every time I am freaking about my finances, and therapist Lesli Johnson says that The Art of Money is "life-changing" (!) 

Suffering, and why it is eternal, and important to recognize...

What a week this has been. I woke up this morning to find out that Anthony Bourdain, the renowned chef and host of Parts Unknown for CNN, died by suicide. This past Tuesday, iconic fashion designer Kate Spade did the same. 

Talking with friends and acquaintances about Spade's passing this week, I realized that her untimely death struck a very chord nerve with women of all ages. I can feel everyone thinking "If this woman wasn't happy....what's the point of trying to succeed at all?" Of course, this is a very reductive way of thinking about the reactions, but that was definitely the underpinning of the great feeling of loss we all felt. 

Cultural losses aside, I think it's important to recognize that when we, or someone we care about is suffering, we absolutely must attention. I know it is a commonplace spiritual practice lately to recognize "suffering" as constructs only of our thoughts, but this is simply not true.  Life can be tragic, diabolically painful, and sad. And at times, it may feel as if you are drowning in loss and regret. 

What does happen, and what mental illness of any kind masks and distorts, is that these thoughts and feelings pass, eventually. They always do. That is why it always so important to feel your grief, talk to those whom you really trust (and preferably, a good therapist) and ask yourself, kindly, what is at the bottom of any feelings of extreme sadness or grief. 

It is hard to feel grateful, go out for a run, make positive plans, do constructive work, or pursue your passions when you are feeling like crap. I know it. But this sadness is trying to speak to you. It is so important to listen. 

If you (or a person close to you) are having thoughts of suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TALK) and get some help. You deserve it. xo