Five Steps to Help Make up for "Lost Time"

"I cleaned up. I quit drinking, I quit doing drugs, I quit stealing, I quit breaking into houses, I tried to quit being a bad human being. I developed a conscience later in life than many. I call it the lost-time-regained dynamic."

-James Ellroy, writer

I was sick last week. To be more accurate, I was sick in bed-almost the entire week, two weeks ago, and then spent a sort of "lost week" last week: Going through the motions at work, spending an inordinate amount of time reading (James Ellroy, actually!) and feeling like crap, and guilty about it, all the while. 

I managed to read about six novels and write over 5,000 words of my own, while being under the weather, but I still felt terrible and strangely guilty! I have been thinking of this concept of "lost time," and what James Ellroy so poignantly referred to as the "lost-time-regained-dynamic," and just thought: Here is one very smart dude. Not to digress too much, but James Ellroy lost his mother at age ten when she was murdered (the case is still unsolved today, sadly) and went literally almost off-the-rails in his early twenties-drinking, drugging, and even spending many years homeless. 

I read his biography years ago, and do not recall the complete details of his recovery, but somehow, he managed to pull it all together. And instead of fretting over lost time, and punishing himself to a greater and greater degree, he made up for it .

But how does one "cash in" time when we have used it up, wasted it, squandered it? Then what? 

What if you've been laid off, had an illness or one in the family, have acute financial trouble, and just, man, cannot see a way out. What if your days turn into weeks and months and years of inactivity. What would be the instigating moment for you to try to forgive yourself, take the baby steps toward real change, and establish a new set of rules for your life? 

Here a few things to think about:

1. What do you really want? 

Do you want to be more creative? Follow a dream that is still burning, but which you have somehow let go along the way? A new job, or position within your company? To become more organized, have more friends, attain a new relationship? All of the above? You need to pinpoint what is really causing you this pain before you can completely move out of living in the past...Take a few hours this week to really think about and focus on this. You can start as small as you like, as suggested by the wonderful Leo Babuta of Zen Habits, who also offer suggestions on taking baby habit steps. 

2. Stop the "Second Arrow" from hitting you in the heart

Buddhists say that it is not the thought that causes us pain, but our perception and the story we build and tell ourselves around this thought. This is not an easy thing to change, especially when it comes to change: We want huge change, stellar results, fast and immediate impact. This, of course, is totally silly. We feel we have wasted so much time-being frustrated, tormented, and bullied by our own conscience. The arrows become sharpened, aimed and fixed over time, our minds-the target. And we live in a culture steeped in a anxiety and worry. Do not buy into this, please. Before you move forward, you need to learn to smile at those arrows, especially as they fall to the ground of your heart, and slowly disappear, and melt away. Try practicing this image, and use it when you go on a walk, or sitting at your desk, or in the morning, or before bed. Did you try it yet? Guess what? You're meditating! (Ha! Tricked ya.) Controlling the mind is the fastest way to control your life. How you react is everything. 

3. March that bully in your brain off the playground (or give him a hug!) 

Now that you've identified those arrows, it's time to see where they are coming from. Who is this bully in your head? Because that is what happening. There is a story you have been telling yourself for such a long while, but feels it has a place, stealing your proverbial lunch money-your confidence and "chutzpah" (which is Yiddish for "balls.") Would you allow this person to talk to your kid, Grandma or dog or cat like that? Hell no, you wouldn't I bet! A wonderful therapist I was practicing with even had me envision these separate voices, if you can imagine that. Talk about powerful. And you know what? I think you will be surprised at the amount of compassion you will have. And that is the start of it all, of course-feeling that love and good-feeling flowing back towards yourself. (And please note, if your inner bully is being personified as an actual person who did you harm in the past or currently, going to a certified therapist is highly suggested here, and recommended.) 

4. Say "I'm Sorry" to yourself...

This is probably the hardest thing to do. Because holding onto this pain is the very thing that has kept us stuck. To forgive oneself is to move forward, and I know this can seem insurmountable. But have you ever read those stories of people who completely change their lives, seemingly in an "aha" moment?  And you're like, "Yeah, sure! Easy for them, not so easy for me because A, B and C..." The thing is, it does become easy, once you begin to focus on the one thing you really want to finish, accomplish or work on, and forgive yourself for not doing it already. It's a little secret that is often left out of these stories. It really IS never too late, I cannot stress this enough. It's just not. You need to know this, and move forward with as much joy as you can muster. (AND, if you have hurt others along your journey to this moment, now might be a good time to call or write to them and apologize, if it feels safe to do so...)

5. Start to say "Thank You" as soon as you open your eyes in the morning...

I do this. And it is not as dorky as it sounds, believe me! Much like making one's bed every day,  (I swear, this also sets up one's day pretty nicely, it actually does work!) it sets you up in ways you cannot really imagine until you start doing it. 

Think about the above steps, and try putting them into practice this week. You will soon start feeling you have more time than you could ever have imagined in life....

"Happy families are all alike..." and what I think this quote really means

"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way" 

-Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

How many times have we all heard this quite famous quote? It is ascribed to so many different things, but what the hell does it really mean, exactly? 

People have been excavating and analyzing this quote for decades. It occurred to me the other day, when talking to my friend Mick, a wonderful therapist : When things are right, they are just RIGHT. They feel right, You are in alignment with your choice to be in this moment-whether it be a relationship, lunch date, job, vacation, family gathering, new outfit-you name it. The experience just "fits," there is no guesswork, no icky, achy feelings inside about it. 

Happy families, I feel, are the same: They just, well, "work." Each one is of course different in its minute, emotional make-up. But, for the most part, those feeling of peace, of being in sync, these feelings are universal feelings. This, in my humble opinion, is exactly what Tolstoy was talking about: Being at peace is uncomplicated, and feels, well, good! Across the board, no matter who you are, where you live, or how much money you were brought up with. Dysfunction, disrespect, abuse, neglect in all its many forms-within the context of a family-these are all achingly different, and can be extraordinarily difficult deal with. Unhappiness within the context of the family,  "in its own way," is putting it sort of mildly, right? Of course it is. 

This is just a gentle reminder:  When something does not feel right, but REALLY, does NOT feel congruent with who and what you are, feel and believe in, please-do yourself the service of stepping away, and trusting this feeling, for as long as you can, and go and find the time to reflect on it. (This may also sometimes even be stepping away from your family, if necessary.) 

You can also substitute the word "family" in the quote above for about any other noun you truly care about-including relationships, friendships, careers, gigs, dates, trips, pets...! I'm serious, here! Need a real life situation? Think back to a time your life and friend circle profoundly changed/expanded for the better when you dumped a few energy-sucking people from your life. This is something almost all of us can relate to. Except, it probably took you awhile to disentangle those feelings, and get to the very bottom of it?  But thinking back some more, can't you probably admit that you really DID know from the very get-go that this person was: Crazy, wacky, (insert bad adjective here) ? Of COURSE you did. And you weren't lazy for not cutting the cord on them sooner. You just didn't TRUST YOURSELF ENOUGH TO DO IT!

Please use the coming end of the winter to think about stepping into the spring with a feeling of renewed confidence in your own choices. I promise you, it will be one of the very best decision you will ever make in your life. xo (And with much gratitude to Mick Kubiak for inspiring this post!)

Where Do You Go To Feel "At Home" ?

I was at the Self-Realization Fellowship Lake Shrine Temple in the Palisades yesterday, a sort of Los Angeles cultural institution of sorts. This beautiful piece of property was donated to Paramahansa Yogananda by some very generous and very wealth California residents, many, many years ago. 

It's an extraordinary place, with a lake with swans and beautiful paths and reading benches, and many statues devoted to the unity of all religions, and to the idea of peace for all nations. A lovely, enchanted piece of perfect peace. 

it felt very good to be there, and was actually my very first time visiting there. It got me thinking about where we feel most at home, and how many of us have had to venture outside of our birth families to find a real community, that sanctioned feeling one can call "home." If you were not born so lucky, it can often times not be an easy thing to thing, or to sustain, even. 

I think one can establish a real community by looking inwards towards one's values first. What is TRULY important to you? Is it making the world a better place? Join a political activist group, there are many right now, believe me, no matter where you live. And if you live somewhere rural, you can participate in many of these groups online- phone-banking for your local representatives, and sharing your progress this way. If you are more creative, and feel stuck, you can find a Meet-Up group for just about any artistic endeavor. Classes are also a great way of finding your creative tribe, if you can afford them. Or. consider hosting a one-a-month "salon" at your place, and have a few of your like-minded friends invite others. This is a great way to only feel good, find new creative energy and grab some free inspiration, it will pretty much force you to clean your apartment (#YAY!)  Your people are out there, trust me...And I know it can be hard, especially if the walls of your apartment have been becoming awfully damn familiar to you lately...But give it a try, with something that feels good and right and maybe something you've always wanted to connect to, but have always felt too scared/ashamed/silly to try. 

I am also starting to read Seth Godin's Tribes, and you should, too... (Link below :) Have a great week! 

Traveling with the family this President's Day Weekend?

My brother is taking his girlfriend and two teenagers (boy and girl) to Vega star this President's day Weekend, which prompted this post. They are driving there, and they are not usually a road-tripping family, Camping, yes. Fun outings, sure. They just do not travel together too much as a family. 

What to do if you are traveling with family, especially in a car? And say there's littles or teens involved? Well, since I don't have kids, I'll leave that up you (!) But, we can advise on how to keep your smile, and, hopefully, make some memories that you will look back on fondly (at least one day!)

If you are EXCITED about this trip

1. Yay, that is wonderful. Sounds like you are already grateful and feel good about going away. Just do what you always do, and keep doing more of it!

2. Try to extend this enthusiasm into some kind of tradition you and your family (or friend group) can do each time you go away. Perhaps it's a special trinket you all hunt for, the same thing from each place (like a holiday ornament or fun kitchen utensil, if you cook or bake together)  a special meal you all treat yourselves to on the last night, or a hilarious group photo in which you recreate the same funny pose in a new locale. 

3. Us the time to really charge and think also, make the time to talk about what you all want to do and change together when you get home. A neutral space on vacation is a GREAT time to discuss any more intricate family matters, sibling squabbles, or trouble at school. It's also a great, safe time for you and your spouse or partner to discuss any new changes you may have been putting off (especially since New Years!) Or-anything else you feel safe enough to speak about here. It's a really great time: The weather feels good (hopefully) , and everyone is relaxed. 

If You Are Dreading this Trip

1. We know this sounds annoying, but dash off a half a page of gratitude. Jess Lively actually does five pages each morning guys, and calls this a "Rage of Appreciation." We love this. And admire it. And aspire to it. It's not easy, no way, not at all, especially when you may have very good reason to not be excited to  travel. But try to see what good that you can...

2. What can you do for...you? Can yo afford to book a massage or some type of spa treatment? How about squeezing in a yoga class, or a round of tennis? It's your time, too, so-even if there are family obligations (say, with young children, or you are the Maid if Honor, perhaps) you can still carve out some time. Skip the day drinking before the wedding, or space out the fun-family time between you and your partner. Not everything has to be done totally together. Trust us, everyone will be happier if you are. Take care of yourself, in any way that you can. And if that means writing ten pages of your novel, or getting some work done, by all means, do it! (As long as it feels good, and it actually relaxes you.)

3. Just remember: It's only one (long!) weekend. It will be over soon. If it is really bad, and you can't do it for yourself, fake-it-till-you-make-it for the kids. They may not even remember this vacation if they're little, but trust me, they will remember you blowing up in the car. Or being bitchy to that poor waiter. Or losing your mind at the swimming pool. Just repeat: It will be over soon! Make it as good as you can, for yourself, first and foremost. 

4.  And don't forget, although we are not avid shoppers here at House & Mind, we certainly approve of picking up some great deals on President's Day! When ALL else fails, you can always, well,  shop! 

What to do when: "I'm tired, and I can't get up... But I can't stop!"

It is pretty hard to function when you're tired, forget being in any type of flow or operating at peak creativity. Let's face it, the most trivial tasks take on a monumental feel when you are exhausted, and have a day or an afternoon or an evening ahead of you of...stuff. What to do?

I'm going to say something which may seem annoying, here: Lie down! I mean it. Grab some type of shut -eye, it doesn't even have to be actual sleep: Cop a sit on a park bench your co-worker's couch, a comfy chair in the employee lounge., anywhere that's safe and, if possible, private. And, just: Close those eyes. Breathe deeply, extending your exhales by a few seconds each time. This will calm your mind and your nervous system just long enough for you to actually sink into a feeling of relaxation, however short it may be.  If you are really bone tired, and need to push forward, you must take them to time to rest, for refresh, for as long a period of time as you can manage. 

When you are about to get back to your normal routine, run to the restroom (if you need the privacy) and execute eight to ten jumping-jacks, in quick succession. Rinse your face with some cool water. Brush your hair and slick on that favorite lip gloss (female or male!) and try to eat that RxBar you have stashed in your desk or bag for just such occasions. 

You can also do this on the way into work, on the subway or bus, (but please not in traffic, I don't care how bad the 405 is!)  If this is truly out of the question, try to get some fresh air, quick-quick, as fast as you can, and do a few turns around the building/park/parking lot, whatever you can manage. Practice this breathing a you do it, reminding yourself that this day, like every other before it, will be over sooner than you can even imagine. 

Think about that Netflix you will treat yourself to this evening, or that massage or brunch you will gift to yourself. You will get through this. We promise! Just remember, the most important fact of all: You need your sleep. A ton of it. Especially if you have family/relationship/creative obligations in the mix. These things all require top-notch energy. But so do you! Don't forget about you, baby. (Now, go home, and get some rest! You deserve it And don’t forget to treat yo’ self to something nice & relaxing, once in a awhile!)

How to Clean Your House & Fast: Pretend Your Place is going to be in Apartment Therapy!

I was so excited when my friend Kat Yore found time in her busy schedule to come on over and shoot my apartment for Apartment Therapy (will post more photos from this great shoot soon!) But when she said, in the beginning of last week, "I can come over Friday," I thought I had several evenings to futz about and get ready...

Well, yeah right, guess what? That did NOT happen!! I had projects due, people to see, things to do...Just kidding, but I was a little bit busy, it's true. Friday morning rolled around, and I had to go into work early- no time there! I had scheduled to be home a bit before she was due to arrive, (we had to capture the best light, duh!) so, somehow, even though I had almost an ENTIRE week to prepare, I ended up with only 45 minutes of straightening-up time...Yep. That was it! 

So....Uhm...What did I do? Well, man... I just blasted through my place! Like this:

 I took all the work/paper clutter, and stuck it into an IKEA file box...I swept the floors, vacuumed my two little bedrooms fast, wiped down the bathroom, kitchen counters, "ice-skated" over my hard floors with rags on my feet and Trader Joe's All-Purpose Cleanser, and you know what? I DID it! And the place looked pretty good, if I do say so, myself...

No maid, no help at al....I realized, too, that all weekend, I kept the clutter at bay, because it felt so good. Note to self: Someone is always coming over! Just say that to yourself, true or not. Sadly, this is often JUST the motivation we all need! 

So, that's the secret to quickly picking up and straightening your home/apartment: Pretend you are doing a photo shoot for Apartment Therapy (or actually DO one! They are actually looking for great Home Submissions, right NOW. Send in your pics!)

Here's a little sneak peek at the shoot: 

The Lighting in Here is Just Fine...You just need to rewire your...BRAIN!

So, I was running late for a doctors appointment this afternoon, and after a quick jog up to the receptionist's desk, asked to use their rest room. As I was washing my hands, I glanced in the mirror: This was not the same me who had left the house this morning, with fresh make-up and softly brushed hair! NO! I looked all of my (blank number of) years; My hair suddenly looking both dry and stringy! What gives, I asked myself? I literally had just left the house about a half an hour ago...MY lighting in MY bathroom was good!I think? Actually, it's quite normal, nothing too soft, nothing too fancy....

SO, the question is: Why did I choose that version of myself, in that moment? Without a second thought. Until...I caught myself. 

How many times do we all do this to ourselves? We choose to believe that one negative comment made about a public speaking engagement we felt great about it. Or remember, verbatim, an offhand comment a family member made about your weight, or your look,  or your dress, or your date, at a family function or wedding, when you know you looked radiant in even your cousin's caught-on-the fly iPhone photos...?

One of my favorite writers and authorities on mindfulness, Dr. Rick Hanson, has talked a lot about our human propensity for the Negativity Bias.    

He writes that we poor souls once had to be vigilantly on guard 24-7, that we are literally wired to be on alert, and for alarm, brain-wise, since our evolution as a species. But this "bias" in the brain has devolved to the point where, even though we live in a civilized society, we still will sift through to find that negative little pebble in the proverbial show of our souls. Hanson writes: "The alarm bell of your brain — the amygdala (you’ve got two of these little almond-shaped regions, one on either side of your head) — uses about two-thirds of its neurons to look for bad news: it’s primed to go negative." 

What can do to change this? It's not easy, I know that for a fact. BUT! The good news is, we can change this negativity bias. We can start by trying to "rewire" our reactions. 

So, this morning, you know what I did? I actually smiled at myself, re-brushed my hair, slicked on some lip gloss, and turned on my heel, choosing not to leave with that view of myself. We still get to pick what we decide to see and feel, as hard as that is to grasp, especially in challenging situations, I know. 

But the more you practice in "benign" moments like I did, (I was not going on a date with my doctor, after all) the easier it gets. So, try it.

And yes, meditating is always great. This keeps those synapses open and pliable.  But for those crushing, quick moments, (and we all have them, sometimes daily, sometimes many, many times per day!) just keep telling yourself: You look just fine, baby. And you are fine!  It's really the lighting that's well, maybe not so great. (And keep telling yourself that.) It really works, I swear it. 

PHOTO: Australian Film star Helen Twelvetrees, c. 1936

If It's Broke, You Still Don't Have To Fix It (Phew!)

I have a pretty small, two-bedroom apartment. Recently, during the typical January de-clutter and purge session,  (and doing a little January Cure from our beloved Apartment Therapy) I was walking through my little space, trying to figure out what to "Fix." And I realized, whoa, first of all, what an attitude! I actually love my "little" apartment. I find it charming and comforting and perfectly suited to my needs. And I tend to it pretty well, I think: I show my place a lot of love, and take very good of it, even though I've been a life-longer renter. It just hit me, we all do this, so much, all of the time: The constant, anxiety-streaming mind flux of what is wrong, which things need t be taken care, what needs to be "fixed." In life, at home, throughout our myriad amount of relationships. 

It's damaging and sad and keeps you out of the flow of life, this constant, dreading-sort-of mind state, and one to try to notice, take real note of, and perhaps try to get a sense of what you are really concerned with and care about. Try to realize when you are getting distracted, when you are over-organizing, or perhaps spending too much cask at IKEA that you could be using to put towards your credit card debt (so guilty of this one.) That's it. Just make a little mental note. 

And when your brain starts its whirl of anxious wandering, try to quiet it by focusing on what is going on underneath. 

The point is, this post is just a very gentle reminder: Give your space, and yourself, a break sometimes. We are all flawed. You don't have to constantly construct new ways on how to fix yourself, your life, your finances. Just pay attention to what is really bothering you, and give that a little extra attention every week: Whether it's your budget, your home, your relationship, or that creative project you've had on the back-burner for a pretty long time. You deserve it. You do not need to be fixed. You just need to remember that we are all a little bit broken. It's okay. :) 

Little-Bitty Big Thought: Don't Eat Cold Toast!

Have you ever been in such a rush to savor a sensation, quell your hunger, anger or boredom, that you hurry yourself even the most simple processes in life? I was making toast the other day (yes, it was avocado toast), and, after smearing some delicious ripe avocado over the Ezekiel bread, and cracking a little bit pink Trader's Joe's Himalayan sea salt over both slices, I bit down into one of them....And found the bread to be... cold! Like, really cold. (I keep the Ezekiel bread in the frieezer to keep it nice and fresh) 

So, what did I do? I was not, I must add, in a rush, as it was a weekend morning too. I think. I continued eating the quite cold toast. Yes! I did. Okay, full disclosure, I hate wasting food, a guilty legacy left over from my Italian grandmother, but...it got me thinking. It got m thinking about all of the times we settle for less, in even the smallest of situations And the answer is not throwing away and remaking that toast, for example. I think it's worth investigating why we hurry through life, even the mundane stuff, and the small tasks not done well, or with enough attention, can start to really add up...

In life, if you consistently forget that the smallest things are the building blocks to a satisfying  lost, you will be eating cold toast, and waiting for your ideal situation, or the next best thing, for a really. really long time. Take your time, just a little reminder. Put some effort into the tiniest of tasks. And to paraphrase the late, great Charles Bukowski, "It is better to do a simple thing with style, than a dangerous thing without it." Words to live by! 

How To Reboot in 2018! (Minus the Drama!)

I waited to post in the New Year until now, because, primarily, there is just so much great stuff out there currently, and secondly, I wanted to candidly share with you how my year was going so far (I am writing this on Monday, January 8th.) Quite simply, I had a strange sort of holiday, and as such, did not want that feeling lingering into 2018.

I also took yet another good look around my two—bedroom bungalow apartment and realized that there was a lot of physical things that could be changed/put into place to help me feel more creative, and generally feel more at ease “at home,” at… home.

It turns out that, after giving my space this really, truly hard look, I had nor “de-cluttered” to the extent where I could truly feel that inward sigh of relief inside my head, or magic “click.” (True? Or False? I also had a ton of work to get back to, and novel-in-progress calling my name. This could be that elusive organizing procrastination we can all fall prey to, right?)

I knew that Apartment Therapy’s January Cure was coming up, and I had (sort of!) done it for the past two years. This would be the perfect time to align my new goal of “finally” getting down to the basics of what I needed my space to be, and start of 2018 with a fresh, clear head. (Or so I thought…)

I started right before the New Year by finding, salvaging and repainting a super cute desk I found (quite literally, in my alley! Yay.)  Now, I am hardly what you call a DIY-er, by any stretch of anyone’s imagination believe me, but, I have to say, I nearly astonished myself by finally following through with a “real” DIY project:

BEFORE: 

What I didn’t share was that I also “manifested” this desk, that morning, actually. I looked around my bedroom, and figured that shoving a desk in would somehow help me with my writing (I am currently hard at work on a novel.) I smilingly asked the Universe for this desk, chuckling to myself as I did so. TWO HOURS later, this little beauty appeared. NOW, I know! Not a book deal or meeting the new love of my life, but, it was exciting, nonetheless...)

And…, just LOOK at the sweet, little results:

AFTER: 

Emboldened by this little project, and imagining all of the flowing creatively that would be magically sparked inside of my soul, I soldiered on, (and this is BEFORE January 1st. I know. I need to get a life!) tackling a make-shift office space, Christmas decorations, purchasing new doormats a few little, tiny “presents” for the apartment...(like a new cutlery holder, bathmat, pretty glass pitcher…) I even found time to trek to IKEA, something I had not done in well, a LONG time! There I bought storage boxes in Tiffany blue to house old notes, drafts and journals. These have been organized, but still do not have a proper spot in the house, currently lingering in my bedroom. After the 1st of the month, last week, I switched out some cabinet pulls, put a new drain-plug in the bathroom sink, and went over my bookcase, toting some books to a few of those adorable “Little Library” stands in my neighborhood, selling a few more at local Book Monster. (Wow, I really do need to get a life! ;)

As I did so, I would be filled with a content sort of joy, like, well, you know, everything great was about to start, and soon! (Finally!)

And this is what I wanted to discuss in this post: What to do after the high of organizing and “decluttering” has worn, off, and you are stuck with some of the same frustrations, problems, challenges and obstacles as before? That you have not magically become more productive, ready to work, write, create, paint, start that new business, or finish that one (or ten) lingering projects?

There is a reason that wonderful blogs such as Zen Habits and podcasts like The Lively Show are so vital, (as is going to therapy, if you are so inclined): They all remind us that life is a constant work-in-progress.

Your life is your work. Working on your life is not your life’s work! But, it certainly can give you a genuine feeling of fulfillment, of course. This is only natural, right?

But we can’t confuse the means with the end. Because…the end does NOT exist!

We never, ever really and truly get there. We are ALWAYS building on ourselves, our relationships, our finances, the spaces in which we live, our art, our families, our friendships, and our careers.

When you are stuck in the seductiveness of preparation, of getting-ready-to-do, when your heart beats faster when you pass the Container Store, and you actually WISH you had a closet to declutter, either consider going into the professional organizing business, or realize that creativity and work and life does not always bring the instant gratification we need.

But we still have to move forward with it, and push through…

I am super interested in the journey that Jess Lively has been embarking on this year: It all about “Alignment Before Action.” Talk about a practice! This is really tough to wrap one’s head around (what if you work in a factory, or are a house cleaner, or car mechanic?) But she is doing some vital work, we think. And it goes against so much of what we have been taught, that you have to hustle, and suffer, and sacrifice to succeed…

She believes there is a sweet spot that becomes right between “getting ready” to take action (in whatever way that means to you) and getting into alignment first. Then the “flow” will happen. We like this. It’s realizing that the concept of flow (which has been studied for decades through watching and measuring athletes and various creatives), for most of us, needs to be reached when we are in our most joyful, relaxed, super-contented state. NOT scrunched up and grinding away, miserably (although, sadly, as many of us do know, this, too, will work.)  

So, maybe you need a small break before getting started something “big” you have been putting off. Maybe try to do something that makes you less anxious. Right now. Even a tiny little thing. You can get that feeling back, I promise. And it will make you feel SO much better than decluttering a junk drawer, we promise…(Although!) And then, when you the pressure is off, take that first little step.  Whatever it may be, in this very moment...

Happy New Year to you from House & Mind! 

How To Not to Lose It When Shopping this Holiday...

I was SO excited. It was Cyber Monday, and I had literally just finished about 90% of my holiday shopping. I seriously;y felt it was some sort of personal world's record me- I had NEVER been able to accomplish a feat like this! And I was trying to stay on a bit of a budget, believe me, so I was extra-excited. I was prepared to have a relaxing first few weeks of the holiday season...

Then goes what? I started getting...stressed, that I wasn't so...stressed! Sadly, this was true. 

I began stressing over the little things I may have forgotten, my friends' kids, my friend's dog (!) Waiting for the work and life holiday stress pile-up interplay to begin. 

So my advice when shopping this holiday season? It all is annoying, so enjoy it, if you can! I mean, seriously. It's only once a year. And honestly? It's dull without the stress, that's what I have found. That is why I am waiting to the last minute, I am sure, to do the last 10% of my shopping. (Which will be just as stressful, if not more than, doing it all at once!) 

Enjoy it while you can. Shopping for the holidays is much like life. It will all be over too soon.

Get this below, for YOURSELF this holiday season to help keep your cool, before and after shopping and gallivanting around...

Taking Chances...At Home & In Life

Taking a leap is hard, and they come in so many different shapes and forms: Quitting a job you loathe, taking the plunge with someone you adore...Some chances hold great depth and meaning, others are things to be passed up, or not. 

The way we fill our space can sometimes help jumpstart us when we are starting to make real transitions in life...You may find that getting rid of that old catch and getting a new one in fabulous orange precepts you quitting that job. Tiny leaps can often make way for the larger ones, whether they be out in the "real" world, or,  at home. 

This is not about decor choices: It's about letting go, often, and just, putting your toe in that water. What does it feel like to be the girl with the orange couch? How amazing was it to realize that humungous painting you rescued from the alley, actually, well doesn't just look good in your kitchen... it looks amazing?! 

I'll tell you how it feels...

It feels like, no matter what, you can slowly begin to trust yourself. 

You can sell or give away that couch, or put that painting back in the trash if it doesn't work out. And you can do the same thing in life. 

There are no quizzes, you are not being tested in this lifetime. Your children love you more if they see a human being falling and trying, then smoldering and resentful and on the sidelines. Taking a chance, little or big, daring or "home-ish," all reap the same kind of reward: You get to sit with the satisfaction of knowing you went with your gut.

This post is just a little reminder to be as bold as you want this next month- whatever that means to you...It's all the same in the end. And we are all here, just trying our best, whatever that means to us individually. 

PS-I found this painting about 20 blocks away from my house. (Yes, in the alley!) I had my mom drive with me hanging it out the car window. It was fantastic, and I love being reminded of that day sometimes when I look at it. A little, tiny chance, that, while physical in nature, paid off enormously in delight, and bringing joy to my little space...

Give your Home a Present!

Yes. It's the holidays (!!!!)  Yes, that is the common response. Stress. Nostalgia. Sometimes joy. Sometimes dashed hopes, of all shapes and sizes. It seems like everything shakes loose and sheds its skin-good and bad-starting in mid-November.

And here is my usual calendar of feelings during this time:

Beginning of December. Week One: Feeling good! Loving all the little tweaks in the Starbucks menu. (Dork! I know.) Holiday goodness is abounding, suffusing my essence, and my apartment's decor, slowly but surely. Then: Week Two hits: I start thinking about what I need to purchase and procure for my immediate family. But I still have time! Yes. Of course I do. Week Three: Desperation starts to set in. Work gets more stressful. Friends are having nervous breakdowns of all sorts. Then, as each day drips by, the usual turmoil of head and heart, as my imaginings for the "perfect" holiday go out the window, curtains flying...

UGHHH.

My first tip:

Do NOT go shopping on Black Friday.

Thats' right. If you're not spending it with your family, grab your cat/dog/significant other/yourself and cuddle down on your couch. Don't make any lists. Don't fret. Instead. Look around your home. And NOT at what you want to change/fix/make a project out of, no. Walk around, and decide what your HOUSE would want for Christmas! YES. Right? Not YOU. Or friends. Or family. Your space. Your home. 

This is literally where you live. This holiday, give yourself the gift of starting to make your house your home, if you haven't done so already. It will help enormously to put the holidays in perspective. We focus here a LOT on House & Mind about your "Inner Home," but your outer home is almost just as important. It is your refuge, a place that should make you feel safe, solid and grounded. 

The main reason we do not have a crazy Instagram feed, or a Pinterest Page here at House & Mind, is because we do not want to show an idealized version of how we live. Of course, we may obsess about the newest line from IKEA, the latest issue of our beloved Domino Magazine, or someone's boho bedspread on IG, but this is not what this site is about...

Not at all. So, just start where you are with your space...

My apartment wants a new doormat. I seriously have been living with the same, old doormats the former tenants left, for OVER TWO YEARS! Ikea has doormats for as low as ninety-nine cents (!) Seriously, dude. What have I been waiting for? ;) 

What does your house want for Christmas (or Hanukkah)  this year? :) After chilling out on Black Friday, and inspecting and listening to your place, you may just wanna check out the fun goods on our Stuff We Just Love page, and treat yo' house...

But most importantly, give yourself the gift of being at home where you live, wherever that may be. We are here to help you to do just that...xo

Pick up something both unique & practical for your home from our friends at Life and Home, a great Brooklyn-based home decor, gardening and organizing site:

Thankful, or what, this Thanksgiving...

How Green Is Your Grass?

We talked a lot last week about how to deal with funny or crazy or obnoxious Thanksgiving holiday situations. But some of us may have a whole different set of circumstances. And those could run the complete opposite ends of the spectrum. 

Things could be really bad. Some sh*t is going on, has gone down, or for some reason, this holiday season always just historically brings you down (enough said.) Or, things could be great. You're in love, or just had a beautiful, second baby, things are going pretty well financially, and you feel, well, (we won't hate you, promise) #blessed (!)

But maybe you start to feel guilty about all the good things you have, when so many others are down-trodden, sad and/or alone. Or, if you are feeling sad/having a lot of stuff on your plate and in your life, you may be looking into the proverbial windows of others' lives, and feel waves and pangs of longing and desperation. 

One of my closest friends was telling me about her weekend with her boyfriend. Now, this guy truly is the love of her life. She does not want be with anyone else, and has a pretty decent and nice quality of life. When I joked about some relatively boring, single-girl weekend plans I had, she said, sotto voce, "Believe me, the grass is always greener." I laughed, and she whispered, "I'm serious!"

Being a great friend? Maybe. Or, just maybe...she was telling... the truth!

Not everything is as it seems. 

It does no one any good to feel guilty and undeserving of the positive things-material or otherwise, in your own life.  It's terrible karma, as my friend Mick would say. Because essentially, everyone's path is their very own. And you cannot look at someone in passing, and clue into their life, or their worth, or their entire state of being. 

It's just the same as looking at other's lives that appear to be golden and forever wand-tipped. That picture is never that clear, either, and that lawn often times is being spray-painted a neon-bright, verdant green-through Instagram, Facebook, a fancy car or outfit, or enviable home address. It's not really that green, not a true green, usually, anyhow. 

Or, most importantly, not the green YOU are imagining it to be...

BUT... These are projections. They are a part of you. They clue you in to what you want in life, so, start listening, and playing this envy and malaise in a different area of your life. And stop feeling sorry for people who may not want you have anyway, if you are feeling quite good and fulfilled, and are feeling that it may be taken away. It's okay, dude...That is what we are here for, hopefully. To be full and content and (positively) productive, in a deep and meaningful way to ourselves. 

We all get to decide what to be grateful for this week, and all year, and always.  Let's maybe try to give ourselves, and each other, a wide berth and a lot of room the week, whether inside our heads, at the dinner table, or in that fusty, three-hour car ride home. 

Why not? We can all at least try to be and feel, at least for a few moments, wait for it! (and don't hate me!).... #blessed. 

How To Stay Sane this Thanksgiving

(...Whether you're flying Solo, can't stand your family or fighting with your Bae/BFF/Mom/Cousin/Dog...)

This weekend, there will be no tidying of the pantry or decluttering of the spice rack, in preparation for Thanksgiving. No- we have other beloved home sites for that type of advice...

No, this weekend, we are going to really think about what kind of Thanksgiving Holiday we TRULY want to have, and what to do if we are stuck in a situation we wish we, well, weren't...

e.g...

What To Do If You Are Flying Solo This Thanksgiving Holiday

Embrace it.

I mean it. I get you may be feeling lonely. But try to think of this solitude as a valuable possession. Do you know how may people would literally chop off a finger to be you? A lot! Trust me. I know it's not easy, when you feel like everyone has someone, and a perfect family and people that love them, and you don't. But ask yourself, first of all, a la Ms. Byron Katie, is that really true? Probably not! So move on to the next tip.

Go to the Movies.

Like, that blockbuster you are too embarrassed to bring a friend or date to. Something along the lines of Thor, or with legos in it, or that stars Tom Cruise. Do it up. Popcorn, non-diet soda, pretzel or hot dog. Talk about a free pass! Enjoy yourself, dude. You are one lucky duck.

Volunteer. (Before, during and after Thanksgiving)

I have met some of the coolest people of my life volunteering, many who have become life-long friends and even colleagues. Do not underestimate the value, of all levels, of volunteering, period, end of story, especially when you are feeling like no one gets you, you are lonely and feeling down in the dumps. The interesting thing is, with so many non-profits around, and so many interests, you can find a group that is aligned with yours, and one that is probably either running or participating a great feeding program this Thanksgiving. If you live in a smaller town, you can gas up and get on the road early, and may need real help the days leading up to the Big Day, cooking and chopping and preparing side dishes, desserts and turkeys. Do you know how invaluable you become when you volunteer to not ONLY help prepare cook, but serve on the day, AND stick around to clean up and organize. Dude, they would probably hire you, and on the spot!  And there is no way to dislike someone after chopping onions with them for two hours straight, believe me. Lastly, there is the incredible feeling you will get from helping others in need. Who, (yes dude!) have it far worse than you do, believe it, no joke. Thanksgiving is supposed to be about gratitude. You are WAY ahead of the game by volunteering on the evenings leading up to, and the day of, Thanksgiving itself. (Plus, you may score a drinks or even dinner invite on the day itself, yippie, problem solved!)

Work On Your Art, Go for Long Walks, Foster an Animal from the local shelter for the long weekend...

All of these things are awesome, too, and restorative, and connecting you to your more peaceful, child-like or creative self. 

Go On a Cultural Whirlwind!

Go see a play, an actual play! Yes, you can go by yourself, its incredibly glamorous, but if you're too chicken-shit, go to a matinee performance (cheaper, probably, too!0 Hit THREE museums, then your city or town's gallery row. Go see that foreign film playing downtown no one will go with you to see. And, if you are strapped for cash, my friends, sign up for Filmstruck, which is akin to Netflix for true film buffs. They even have a free trial! (#yourewelcome) 

Cook Yourself Everything You've Always Wanted from the N.Y. Times Cooking Section.

I actually have a fantasy of me and my future Jewish husband-to-be, living on the Upper Westside of Manhattan, and choosing dished to cook from the amazing email you can sign up from the N.Y. Times Cooking Section, "What To Cook This Weekend." I know, but it makes me nostalgic for a life where one of the main priorities are cooking then eating and enjoying it, right? Lucky you, you can shop for yourself, and cook up a storm, catching up on your Netflix shows. as you tidy up your adorable space. (I'm jealous already!)

What To Do If YouHate Your Family, Need Time Alone, or Fighting with Your Significant Other This Thanksgiving Holiday

Yes, I know, we are supposed to love our families. But some of have terrible families, or are forced to visit and sit down and break bread with the terrible sides of those families. And if you have young children, or are fighting with your hubby/wife/GF/BF/BFF? What to do? Here are a few suggestions:

Start Drinking.

You think I'm joking? I'm not joking. Okay, maybe just a tiny, little bit. But! If you can hold your liquor, and do not have issues in this area, pick up that wine glass! Trust me, it's number one on the list for a good reason. (But please, once again, only if you can hold liquor/do not have a drinking problem/and can drink very responsibly!) This is permission that some times, things ain't gonna change. And it's five o'clock, baby. 

Sit Far Away from Your BFF/Relative/Significant Other you are fighting with/snarly at.

Tell your favorite cousin to white lie and pretend she needs a shoulder to cry on, and move yourself down to her end of the table. You can do with any relative/friend/dog/cat/child allowed at the dinner table, and that you can maneuver away from whomever you need to maneuver.

Sit At the Kid's Table.

This is not a joke. First of all, you will be a godsend, if you are single and offer to do this. Second, you will dodge clean-up, because you are being such a great sport! Third, where the hell else can you get all the latest family gossip, hold court with a rapt audience, and dish about Taylor Swift's latest relationships for hours on end?? You will have more fun than anyone else at the "adult" table, believe me, but keep that wine close at hand...

(Just in case!)

Offer to Prep/Clean/Soak/Marinate/Serve/Clean-Up

This only truly works if you get along considerably well with the host/hostess and other helpers in the kitchen, but trust me, this can work. Just make sure you are, in fact, really up to the task doing all of those required kitcheny things. You can also dodge the conversation when your uncle brings up the "Trump Conversation." Phew!

Fake A Work Emergency.

Life is short. Family can be hard. Especially if you've been working on yourself, your relationships, and they simply, well, haven't, your peace of mind and hard work is far too precious to lose. Guilt can be agonizing, but it won't kill you. Yes, people will get upset, but they'll get over it, and soon fall back into their same old patterns, hardly missing you, probably. (A hard truth!) 

This post, quite simply, is to get you thinking about how you want to feel this Thanksgiving Holiday.

Take this weekend to really think about it. 

Tuesday Tip: Throw That Sh*t OUT!

So, Apartment Therapy recently had a very interesting post on how you have to throw out your kitchen sponge, and change it out at least once per month. (!) 

I was literally, like, WHAT the hell are you talking about?! 

But they went to discuss the fact that you can dishwasher and microwave the sh*t out of these guys, and they are just these little disgusting, little germ packages. 

Okay. So, I did a little research: Most kitchen sponges tat you can purchase in packs of 2s or 3s at the .99 Store  are made of... cellulose (!) 

Ewww! For a hot second. Until! I Googled a little bit more, and  that these are these are the safest sponges on the market that you can buy. (!) Yay! Okay, So, that's really good, right?

Yes. I think so. For someone who recycles literally EVERYTHING,  this was kinda a tough one, but I'm going to really give this a try.  And, according to The Spruce, and AP, they are very safe, once again, and actually Eco-friendly. And you can clean out your old ones, and save them for tough bathroom jobs, if you wish (Bonus!) 

So, go the cheap route, try not to feel a bit guilty,  but try this, and tell us what you think!...:) 

(Or, if you're feeling a bit lazy, just order at TARGET! ;) xo

When you wish others were PURRR..FECT (or at least, not so annoying)

This hits all of us...You can be having a great day, had a pretty great weekend, even, and then Monday comes, and you realize things are not as perfect and delightful as you would like to be in your life. Or maybe you Weekend-Warriored your way out of thinking about how very far from ideal your life really is right now...

Whatever your life situation is, we all almost universally suffer from always wanting things to be better. 

But what if you suffer from, well, wanting things to be a CERTAIN WAY, all the time? Maybe it's not a type-A, Jackie Kennedy-kind of perfection, but you just wish your husband or wife or brother or mother or father or family would act a certain way, achieve certain things, or just give your more space. 

In life, as it home, we often to create the spaces we want on our own. At home, we may read shelter mags, consult Apartment Therapy obsessively (like us!) or even be able to hire a decorator. You can do the same in life.

If you are making others suffer, and yourself, with your own expectations, for God's sake, try to go and talk to someone. Yes, we definitely espouse the full benefits of therapy here at House & Mind. If that is out of the question, for whatever reason, think about your home for a moment. Think of what you have created in your environment, whatever it may be, grand or small, to make yourself feel more at home. Then, take a small step and see how you can shift focus from the behavior of others, to that of yourself. 

What can YOU change? What can you adjust to make yourself accountable, and become less reliant on that person to change-that person(s!) you are forever bitching about? And really, it could be time to ask yourself some very tough questions: Do you need to ditch that whining friend, once and for all? Could you and your spouse really benefit from couples therapy, perhaps? Tough, tough, tough, I get it. Especially if you are care-taking an elderly relative who is not fun to be around, or are completely overwhelmed with family and financial obligations. Taking responsibility really does suck when we have been living so fully in knowing something to be true. I get that. And you may be, and probably are, totally valid in your assessments.

But truly?

No one can live up to the standards that only live in your own head.

No one. Even if those standards are totally valid. 

There is a lot in our interactions with others which you can change. YOU can change them. The more you realize this fact, the closer you may also realize that you have been using these disappointments as, at bottom, an excuse to simply be sad. Maybe yes, maybe no.

But if that's the case, maybe it's the to make some changes. No shame in that at all. 

And also remember how you have made your home reflect yourself, in whatever you have/are doing so. Dude, you can do this with your life. 

It's true. 

This month, we will be diving into some specific tools regarding how to manage our own expectations, and dealing with those annoying others who just simply refuse to change, dammit! And I promise you, miracles happen. When you change behavior, often, these people stop messing you. It's a proven fact, I swear. Their power diminishes. Their hold over you begins to drop and fade...

(We are also going to be adding "Tuesday Tips" for more practical and fun home advice, so look out for those, too...:) 

Have a good week!

Weekend Project: What Have You Been "Shelving" Lately?

Look around your space right now, or in your mind's eye, if you at work or out and about. What strikes you the most, what feels the most "undone?" I can almost guarantee you have at least ONE thing that has not been hung up yet: That small mirror purchased at the tag sale or flea market, or a framed piece of art you love, but never got around to hanging. 

This weekend, we are going to think about what we haven't been taking away/putting on the walls, what we have "shelved" in our own lives. (I know, you're probably like, f*ck you, Francesca! I can barely clean my apartment on the weekend!) But really think about it, and maybe start asking yourself a few easy-peasy questions:

1. Why have you not been showing these photos or art work in your apartment? (Do you even like them?)

2. What have you been shelving lately? Which friends need your attention, which creative projects. which secret, genius work idea needs to be more fully explored? 

3. What can you put on a shelf physically, to shake up your space and add some spice, and what can you take off the shelves, inside your own head. 

If there's prints, paintings, framed photos strewn along the floor, stacked and ready and waiting to be hung up, put them on some type of a "shelf" in your home! I'm not kidding. It really works. Some kind of shelf, any kind. I even use the back of my toilet to place art in fun places. Don't be afraid! Use your bookcases, space along kitchen counters, behind the toaster and along edges of tables that are placed against the wall...Even if you have/like a minimalist decor, you can totally rock this style. IT makes your home cozy and pop and adds texture and tableaux. 

And extra points for you if you make a weekend project out of getting and installing those "art shelves," which are not expensive (see below) and perfect for those who are commitment phobic, because you can switch out your art and photos, even mirrors, and their placement every week.

As you're stacking and pretending to hang things up, think about what else in your personal life can you be showing more of to the world, or that needs more attention, in general: Your unfinished novel, that painting project, the dinner party you've been wanting to plan, that friend back East you haven't called in ages...

So-this Weekend Project is all about putting physical things on shelves, and taking some stuff off the mental shelves, dust them off, and pat yourself on your back for doing so. Good job, and let us know how you did!

You Sensitive Little Flower, You...

Are you an introvert or an extrovert? An ambivert? Shy? Quiet? The retiring type, who is a secret powerhouse of sexy witty wisdom, deep-down inside? I feel ya!  I, too, am an introvert, truly, at heart. And it ain't easy, I know, especially living in Los Angeles, when it's very important tope able to articulate who you are and what you do at the drop of a hat.  

So, what do you do when you the day has got you down, you can't compete with the world rampaging above and below and around you, and you just want to crawl under the nearest throw rug and take a nap? 

You have to I feel, quite basically, practice honoring who you really and truly are. (I know!) And know that you are still a badass, life of the party, or not. I know. So easily said, right? The book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain, was extraordinarily helpful to me, and I cannot recommend it enough. In fact, I will say, it has given me great relief. Not only does she speak about some (surprisingly) well-known introverts throughout our history, she gives practical advice on how to cope when you all you want to do is retreat. 

Her number one tip is to DO that. If you have a long day, where you were were in meetings or on the phone a lot, just a lot of interaction, then just try to grab an hour before dinner, maybe when you can just read in bed. 

If going to a party solo is totally overwhelming to you, maybe try going there sooner, rather than later. Get the lay of the land, talk up the host, and stake a few possible new pals, or at least, willing participants to chat with. If you want to, just go back home to that book! 

The point is, getting out of your comfort zone as an introvert doesn't always work the way it does with extroverts or ambiverts. If it doesn't "feel" right to you, you won't get anything out of the experience, no matter what it is. Yes, feeling uncomfortable is normal when trying new things. But life is way too short to not trust your deepest instincts, and to suffer because of them. 

Introverts, unite! And buy this damn book, below, it will change your life. :) 

Weekend Project: From To-Do to... Ta-Da!

Each Friday, we'll be posting a little Weekend Project to knock off something that has been lingering on your home's To-Do list...But, as Gretchen Rubin of the Happier Podcast once wisely said, why not call turn that To-Do list into a... Ta-Da list? Meaning, start a damn list of the sh*t you get done on a regular basis, and then CELEBRATE it by jotting it down. 

We love this idea. We love it so much, we thought it would be fun to do together...Each week! 

This weekend, we are going to be picking some space in your home that makes you feel awful TUG when you are about to do something for yourself: Now, this could mean going for a run, couching it to watch a movie, working on your creative project, literally-anything that lights your fire. But then....you feel that, ugh! that thing! That awful, naggy, pulling, sort of sluggish feeling that whispers in your ear: "Do some laundry at least you lazy cow!" or "You have to clear your desk off first!"

We usually end up ignoring this voice, and sometimes, as we mentioned in a previous post, you absolutely need to...BUT! This weekend, we are going to be put this voice to the test: Do the dreaded chore(s), write it on your Ta-Da list, and then see if you feel better. Sit down and "treat" yourself to whatever you wanted to really do in the first place, and REALLY do it. Then, put THAT on your Ta-Da List (see how this works?), and see how that feels. (Maybe it sucks, who knows, but try it!) Please do not forget to let us know how it goes, #HappyFriday xo

 (Above Photo: Pottery Barn Kids)