What to do when: "I'm tired, and I can't get up... But I can't stop!"

It is pretty hard to function when you're tired, forget being in any type of flow or operating at peak creativity. Let's face it, the most trivial tasks take on a monumental feel when you are exhausted, and have a day or an afternoon or an evening ahead of you of...stuff. What to do?

I'm going to say something which may seem annoying, here: Lie down! I mean it. Grab some type of shut -eye, it doesn't even have to be actual sleep: Cop a sit on a park bench your co-worker's couch, a comfy chair in the employee lounge., anywhere that's safe and, if possible, private. And, just: Close those eyes. Breathe deeply, extending your exhales by a few seconds each time. This will calm your mind and your nervous system just long enough for you to actually sink into a feeling of relaxation, however short it may be.  If you are really bone tired, and need to push forward, you must take them to time to rest, for refresh, for as long a period of time as you can manage. 

When you are about to get back to your normal routine, run to the restroom (if you need the privacy) and execute eight to ten jumping-jacks, in quick succession. Rinse your face with some cool water. Brush your hair and slick on that favorite lip gloss (female or male!) and try to eat that RxBar you have stashed in your desk or bag for just such occasions. 

You can also do this on the way into work, on the subway or bus, (but please not in traffic, I don't care how bad the 405 is!)  If this is truly out of the question, try to get some fresh air, quick-quick, as fast as you can, and do a few turns around the building/park/parking lot, whatever you can manage. Practice this breathing a you do it, reminding yourself that this day, like every other before it, will be over sooner than you can even imagine. 

Think about that Netflix you will treat yourself to this evening, or that massage or brunch you will gift to yourself. You will get through this. We promise! Just remember, the most important fact of all: You need your sleep. A ton of it. Especially if you have family/relationship/creative obligations in the mix. These things all require top-notch energy. But so do you! Don't forget about you, baby. (Now, go home, and get some rest! You deserve it And don’t forget to treat yo’ self to something nice & relaxing, once in a awhile!)

The Lighting in Here is Just Fine...You just need to rewire your...BRAIN!

So, I was running late for a doctors appointment this afternoon, and after a quick jog up to the receptionist's desk, asked to use their rest room. As I was washing my hands, I glanced in the mirror: This was not the same me who had left the house this morning, with fresh make-up and softly brushed hair! NO! I looked all of my (blank number of) years; My hair suddenly looking both dry and stringy! What gives, I asked myself? I literally had just left the house about a half an hour ago...MY lighting in MY bathroom was good!I think? Actually, it's quite normal, nothing too soft, nothing too fancy....

SO, the question is: Why did I choose that version of myself, in that moment? Without a second thought. Until...I caught myself. 

How many times do we all do this to ourselves? We choose to believe that one negative comment made about a public speaking engagement we felt great about it. Or remember, verbatim, an offhand comment a family member made about your weight, or your look,  or your dress, or your date, at a family function or wedding, when you know you looked radiant in even your cousin's caught-on-the fly iPhone photos...?

One of my favorite writers and authorities on mindfulness, Dr. Rick Hanson, has talked a lot about our human propensity for the Negativity Bias.    

He writes that we poor souls once had to be vigilantly on guard 24-7, that we are literally wired to be on alert, and for alarm, brain-wise, since our evolution as a species. But this "bias" in the brain has devolved to the point where, even though we live in a civilized society, we still will sift through to find that negative little pebble in the proverbial show of our souls. Hanson writes: "The alarm bell of your brain — the amygdala (you’ve got two of these little almond-shaped regions, one on either side of your head) — uses about two-thirds of its neurons to look for bad news: it’s primed to go negative." 

What can do to change this? It's not easy, I know that for a fact. BUT! The good news is, we can change this negativity bias. We can start by trying to "rewire" our reactions. 

So, this morning, you know what I did? I actually smiled at myself, re-brushed my hair, slicked on some lip gloss, and turned on my heel, choosing not to leave with that view of myself. We still get to pick what we decide to see and feel, as hard as that is to grasp, especially in challenging situations, I know. 

But the more you practice in "benign" moments like I did, (I was not going on a date with my doctor, after all) the easier it gets. So, try it.

And yes, meditating is always great. This keeps those synapses open and pliable.  But for those crushing, quick moments, (and we all have them, sometimes daily, sometimes many, many times per day!) just keep telling yourself: You look just fine, baby. And you are fine!  It's really the lighting that's well, maybe not so great. (And keep telling yourself that.) It really works, I swear it. 

PHOTO: Australian Film star Helen Twelvetrees, c. 1936

If It's Broke, You Still Don't Have To Fix It (Phew!)

I have a pretty small, two-bedroom apartment. Recently, during the typical January de-clutter and purge session,  (and doing a little January Cure from our beloved Apartment Therapy) I was walking through my little space, trying to figure out what to "Fix." And I realized, whoa, first of all, what an attitude! I actually love my "little" apartment. I find it charming and comforting and perfectly suited to my needs. And I tend to it pretty well, I think: I show my place a lot of love, and take very good of it, even though I've been a life-longer renter. It just hit me, we all do this, so much, all of the time: The constant, anxiety-streaming mind flux of what is wrong, which things need t be taken care, what needs to be "fixed." In life, at home, throughout our myriad amount of relationships. 

It's damaging and sad and keeps you out of the flow of life, this constant, dreading-sort-of mind state, and one to try to notice, take real note of, and perhaps try to get a sense of what you are really concerned with and care about. Try to realize when you are getting distracted, when you are over-organizing, or perhaps spending too much cask at IKEA that you could be using to put towards your credit card debt (so guilty of this one.) That's it. Just make a little mental note. 

And when your brain starts its whirl of anxious wandering, try to quiet it by focusing on what is going on underneath. 

The point is, this post is just a very gentle reminder: Give your space, and yourself, a break sometimes. We are all flawed. You don't have to constantly construct new ways on how to fix yourself, your life, your finances. Just pay attention to what is really bothering you, and give that a little extra attention every week: Whether it's your budget, your home, your relationship, or that creative project you've had on the back-burner for a pretty long time. You deserve it. You do not need to be fixed. You just need to remember that we are all a little bit broken. It's okay. :) 

Little-Bitty Big Thought: Don't Eat Cold Toast!

Have you ever been in such a rush to savor a sensation, quell your hunger, anger or boredom, that you hurry yourself even the most simple processes in life? I was making toast the other day (yes, it was avocado toast), and, after smearing some delicious ripe avocado over the Ezekiel bread, and cracking a little bit pink Trader's Joe's Himalayan sea salt over both slices, I bit down into one of them....And found the bread to be... cold! Like, really cold. (I keep the Ezekiel bread in the frieezer to keep it nice and fresh) 

So, what did I do? I was not, I must add, in a rush, as it was a weekend morning too. I think. I continued eating the quite cold toast. Yes! I did. Okay, full disclosure, I hate wasting food, a guilty legacy left over from my Italian grandmother, but...it got me thinking. It got m thinking about all of the times we settle for less, in even the smallest of situations And the answer is not throwing away and remaking that toast, for example. I think it's worth investigating why we hurry through life, even the mundane stuff, and the small tasks not done well, or with enough attention, can start to really add up...

In life, if you consistently forget that the smallest things are the building blocks to a satisfying  lost, you will be eating cold toast, and waiting for your ideal situation, or the next best thing, for a really. really long time. Take your time, just a little reminder. Put some effort into the tiniest of tasks. And to paraphrase the late, great Charles Bukowski, "It is better to do a simple thing with style, than a dangerous thing without it." Words to live by! 

How To Reboot in 2018! (Minus the Drama!)

I waited to post in the New Year until now, because, primarily, there is just so much great stuff out there currently, and secondly, I wanted to candidly share with you how my year was going so far (I am writing this on Monday, January 8th.) Quite simply, I had a strange sort of holiday, and as such, did not want that feeling lingering into 2018.

I also took yet another good look around my two—bedroom bungalow apartment and realized that there was a lot of physical things that could be changed/put into place to help me feel more creative, and generally feel more at ease “at home,” at… home.

It turns out that, after giving my space this really, truly hard look, I had nor “de-cluttered” to the extent where I could truly feel that inward sigh of relief inside my head, or magic “click.” (True? Or False? I also had a ton of work to get back to, and novel-in-progress calling my name. This could be that elusive organizing procrastination we can all fall prey to, right?)

I knew that Apartment Therapy’s January Cure was coming up, and I had (sort of!) done it for the past two years. This would be the perfect time to align my new goal of “finally” getting down to the basics of what I needed my space to be, and start of 2018 with a fresh, clear head. (Or so I thought…)

I started right before the New Year by finding, salvaging and repainting a super cute desk I found (quite literally, in my alley! Yay.)  Now, I am hardly what you call a DIY-er, by any stretch of anyone’s imagination believe me, but, I have to say, I nearly astonished myself by finally following through with a “real” DIY project:

BEFORE: 

What I didn’t share was that I also “manifested” this desk, that morning, actually. I looked around my bedroom, and figured that shoving a desk in would somehow help me with my writing (I am currently hard at work on a novel.) I smilingly asked the Universe for this desk, chuckling to myself as I did so. TWO HOURS later, this little beauty appeared. NOW, I know! Not a book deal or meeting the new love of my life, but, it was exciting, nonetheless...)

And…, just LOOK at the sweet, little results:

AFTER: 

Emboldened by this little project, and imagining all of the flowing creatively that would be magically sparked inside of my soul, I soldiered on, (and this is BEFORE January 1st. I know. I need to get a life!) tackling a make-shift office space, Christmas decorations, purchasing new doormats a few little, tiny “presents” for the apartment...(like a new cutlery holder, bathmat, pretty glass pitcher…) I even found time to trek to IKEA, something I had not done in well, a LONG time! There I bought storage boxes in Tiffany blue to house old notes, drafts and journals. These have been organized, but still do not have a proper spot in the house, currently lingering in my bedroom. After the 1st of the month, last week, I switched out some cabinet pulls, put a new drain-plug in the bathroom sink, and went over my bookcase, toting some books to a few of those adorable “Little Library” stands in my neighborhood, selling a few more at local Book Monster. (Wow, I really do need to get a life! ;)

As I did so, I would be filled with a content sort of joy, like, well, you know, everything great was about to start, and soon! (Finally!)

And this is what I wanted to discuss in this post: What to do after the high of organizing and “decluttering” has worn, off, and you are stuck with some of the same frustrations, problems, challenges and obstacles as before? That you have not magically become more productive, ready to work, write, create, paint, start that new business, or finish that one (or ten) lingering projects?

There is a reason that wonderful blogs such as Zen Habits and podcasts like The Lively Show are so vital, (as is going to therapy, if you are so inclined): They all remind us that life is a constant work-in-progress.

Your life is your work. Working on your life is not your life’s work! But, it certainly can give you a genuine feeling of fulfillment, of course. This is only natural, right?

But we can’t confuse the means with the end. Because…the end does NOT exist!

We never, ever really and truly get there. We are ALWAYS building on ourselves, our relationships, our finances, the spaces in which we live, our art, our families, our friendships, and our careers.

When you are stuck in the seductiveness of preparation, of getting-ready-to-do, when your heart beats faster when you pass the Container Store, and you actually WISH you had a closet to declutter, either consider going into the professional organizing business, or realize that creativity and work and life does not always bring the instant gratification we need.

But we still have to move forward with it, and push through…

I am super interested in the journey that Jess Lively has been embarking on this year: It all about “Alignment Before Action.” Talk about a practice! This is really tough to wrap one’s head around (what if you work in a factory, or are a house cleaner, or car mechanic?) But she is doing some vital work, we think. And it goes against so much of what we have been taught, that you have to hustle, and suffer, and sacrifice to succeed…

She believes there is a sweet spot that becomes right between “getting ready” to take action (in whatever way that means to you) and getting into alignment first. Then the “flow” will happen. We like this. It’s realizing that the concept of flow (which has been studied for decades through watching and measuring athletes and various creatives), for most of us, needs to be reached when we are in our most joyful, relaxed, super-contented state. NOT scrunched up and grinding away, miserably (although, sadly, as many of us do know, this, too, will work.)  

So, maybe you need a small break before getting started something “big” you have been putting off. Maybe try to do something that makes you less anxious. Right now. Even a tiny little thing. You can get that feeling back, I promise. And it will make you feel SO much better than decluttering a junk drawer, we promise…(Although!) And then, when you the pressure is off, take that first little step.  Whatever it may be, in this very moment...

Happy New Year to you from House & Mind! 

How To Not to Lose It When Shopping this Holiday...

I was SO excited. It was Cyber Monday, and I had literally just finished about 90% of my holiday shopping. I seriously;y felt it was some sort of personal world's record me- I had NEVER been able to accomplish a feat like this! And I was trying to stay on a bit of a budget, believe me, so I was extra-excited. I was prepared to have a relaxing first few weeks of the holiday season...

Then goes what? I started getting...stressed, that I wasn't so...stressed! Sadly, this was true. 

I began stressing over the little things I may have forgotten, my friends' kids, my friend's dog (!) Waiting for the work and life holiday stress pile-up interplay to begin. 

So my advice when shopping this holiday season? It all is annoying, so enjoy it, if you can! I mean, seriously. It's only once a year. And honestly? It's dull without the stress, that's what I have found. That is why I am waiting to the last minute, I am sure, to do the last 10% of my shopping. (Which will be just as stressful, if not more than, doing it all at once!) 

Enjoy it while you can. Shopping for the holidays is much like life. It will all be over too soon.

Get this below, for YOURSELF this holiday season to help keep your cool, before and after shopping and gallivanting around...

Taking Chances...At Home & In Life

Taking a leap is hard, and they come in so many different shapes and forms: Quitting a job you loathe, taking the plunge with someone you adore...Some chances hold great depth and meaning, others are things to be passed up, or not. 

The way we fill our space can sometimes help jumpstart us when we are starting to make real transitions in life...You may find that getting rid of that old catch and getting a new one in fabulous orange precepts you quitting that job. Tiny leaps can often make way for the larger ones, whether they be out in the "real" world, or,  at home. 

This is not about decor choices: It's about letting go, often, and just, putting your toe in that water. What does it feel like to be the girl with the orange couch? How amazing was it to realize that humungous painting you rescued from the alley, actually, well doesn't just look good in your kitchen... it looks amazing?! 

I'll tell you how it feels...

It feels like, no matter what, you can slowly begin to trust yourself. 

You can sell or give away that couch, or put that painting back in the trash if it doesn't work out. And you can do the same thing in life. 

There are no quizzes, you are not being tested in this lifetime. Your children love you more if they see a human being falling and trying, then smoldering and resentful and on the sidelines. Taking a chance, little or big, daring or "home-ish," all reap the same kind of reward: You get to sit with the satisfaction of knowing you went with your gut.

This post is just a little reminder to be as bold as you want this next month- whatever that means to you...It's all the same in the end. And we are all here, just trying our best, whatever that means to us individually. 

PS-I found this painting about 20 blocks away from my house. (Yes, in the alley!) I had my mom drive with me hanging it out the car window. It was fantastic, and I love being reminded of that day sometimes when I look at it. A little, tiny chance, that, while physical in nature, paid off enormously in delight, and bringing joy to my little space...

Thankful, or what, this Thanksgiving...

How Green Is Your Grass?

We talked a lot last week about how to deal with funny or crazy or obnoxious Thanksgiving holiday situations. But some of us may have a whole different set of circumstances. And those could run the complete opposite ends of the spectrum. 

Things could be really bad. Some sh*t is going on, has gone down, or for some reason, this holiday season always just historically brings you down (enough said.) Or, things could be great. You're in love, or just had a beautiful, second baby, things are going pretty well financially, and you feel, well, (we won't hate you, promise) #blessed (!)

But maybe you start to feel guilty about all the good things you have, when so many others are down-trodden, sad and/or alone. Or, if you are feeling sad/having a lot of stuff on your plate and in your life, you may be looking into the proverbial windows of others' lives, and feel waves and pangs of longing and desperation. 

One of my closest friends was telling me about her weekend with her boyfriend. Now, this guy truly is the love of her life. She does not want be with anyone else, and has a pretty decent and nice quality of life. When I joked about some relatively boring, single-girl weekend plans I had, she said, sotto voce, "Believe me, the grass is always greener." I laughed, and she whispered, "I'm serious!"

Being a great friend? Maybe. Or, just maybe...she was telling... the truth!

Not everything is as it seems. 

It does no one any good to feel guilty and undeserving of the positive things-material or otherwise, in your own life.  It's terrible karma, as my friend Mick would say. Because essentially, everyone's path is their very own. And you cannot look at someone in passing, and clue into their life, or their worth, or their entire state of being. 

It's just the same as looking at other's lives that appear to be golden and forever wand-tipped. That picture is never that clear, either, and that lawn often times is being spray-painted a neon-bright, verdant green-through Instagram, Facebook, a fancy car or outfit, or enviable home address. It's not really that green, not a true green, usually, anyhow. 

Or, most importantly, not the green YOU are imagining it to be...

BUT... These are projections. They are a part of you. They clue you in to what you want in life, so, start listening, and playing this envy and malaise in a different area of your life. And stop feeling sorry for people who may not want you have anyway, if you are feeling quite good and fulfilled, and are feeling that it may be taken away. It's okay, dude...That is what we are here for, hopefully. To be full and content and (positively) productive, in a deep and meaningful way to ourselves. 

We all get to decide what to be grateful for this week, and all year, and always.  Let's maybe try to give ourselves, and each other, a wide berth and a lot of room the week, whether inside our heads, at the dinner table, or in that fusty, three-hour car ride home. 

Why not? We can all at least try to be and feel, at least for a few moments, wait for it! (and don't hate me!).... #blessed. 

How To Stay Sane this Thanksgiving

(...Whether you're flying Solo, can't stand your family or fighting with your Bae/BFF/Mom/Cousin/Dog...)

This weekend, there will be no tidying of the pantry or decluttering of the spice rack, in preparation for Thanksgiving. No- we have other beloved home sites for that type of advice...

No, this weekend, we are going to really think about what kind of Thanksgiving Holiday we TRULY want to have, and what to do if we are stuck in a situation we wish we, well, weren't...

e.g...

What To Do If You Are Flying Solo This Thanksgiving Holiday

Embrace it.

I mean it. I get you may be feeling lonely. But try to think of this solitude as a valuable possession. Do you know how may people would literally chop off a finger to be you? A lot! Trust me. I know it's not easy, when you feel like everyone has someone, and a perfect family and people that love them, and you don't. But ask yourself, first of all, a la Ms. Byron Katie, is that really true? Probably not! So move on to the next tip.

Go to the Movies.

Like, that blockbuster you are too embarrassed to bring a friend or date to. Something along the lines of Thor, or with legos in it, or that stars Tom Cruise. Do it up. Popcorn, non-diet soda, pretzel or hot dog. Talk about a free pass! Enjoy yourself, dude. You are one lucky duck.

Volunteer. (Before, during and after Thanksgiving)

I have met some of the coolest people of my life volunteering, many who have become life-long friends and even colleagues. Do not underestimate the value, of all levels, of volunteering, period, end of story, especially when you are feeling like no one gets you, you are lonely and feeling down in the dumps. The interesting thing is, with so many non-profits around, and so many interests, you can find a group that is aligned with yours, and one that is probably either running or participating a great feeding program this Thanksgiving. If you live in a smaller town, you can gas up and get on the road early, and may need real help the days leading up to the Big Day, cooking and chopping and preparing side dishes, desserts and turkeys. Do you know how invaluable you become when you volunteer to not ONLY help prepare cook, but serve on the day, AND stick around to clean up and organize. Dude, they would probably hire you, and on the spot!  And there is no way to dislike someone after chopping onions with them for two hours straight, believe me. Lastly, there is the incredible feeling you will get from helping others in need. Who, (yes dude!) have it far worse than you do, believe it, no joke. Thanksgiving is supposed to be about gratitude. You are WAY ahead of the game by volunteering on the evenings leading up to, and the day of, Thanksgiving itself. (Plus, you may score a drinks or even dinner invite on the day itself, yippie, problem solved!)

Work On Your Art, Go for Long Walks, Foster an Animal from the local shelter for the long weekend...

All of these things are awesome, too, and restorative, and connecting you to your more peaceful, child-like or creative self. 

Go On a Cultural Whirlwind!

Go see a play, an actual play! Yes, you can go by yourself, its incredibly glamorous, but if you're too chicken-shit, go to a matinee performance (cheaper, probably, too!0 Hit THREE museums, then your city or town's gallery row. Go see that foreign film playing downtown no one will go with you to see. And, if you are strapped for cash, my friends, sign up for Filmstruck, which is akin to Netflix for true film buffs. They even have a free trial! (#yourewelcome) 

Cook Yourself Everything You've Always Wanted from the N.Y. Times Cooking Section.

I actually have a fantasy of me and my future Jewish husband-to-be, living on the Upper Westside of Manhattan, and choosing dished to cook from the amazing email you can sign up from the N.Y. Times Cooking Section, "What To Cook This Weekend." I know, but it makes me nostalgic for a life where one of the main priorities are cooking then eating and enjoying it, right? Lucky you, you can shop for yourself, and cook up a storm, catching up on your Netflix shows. as you tidy up your adorable space. (I'm jealous already!)

What To Do If YouHate Your Family, Need Time Alone, or Fighting with Your Significant Other This Thanksgiving Holiday

Yes, I know, we are supposed to love our families. But some of have terrible families, or are forced to visit and sit down and break bread with the terrible sides of those families. And if you have young children, or are fighting with your hubby/wife/GF/BF/BFF? What to do? Here are a few suggestions:

Start Drinking.

You think I'm joking? I'm not joking. Okay, maybe just a tiny, little bit. But! If you can hold your liquor, and do not have issues in this area, pick up that wine glass! Trust me, it's number one on the list for a good reason. (But please, once again, only if you can hold liquor/do not have a drinking problem/and can drink very responsibly!) This is permission that some times, things ain't gonna change. And it's five o'clock, baby. 

Sit Far Away from Your BFF/Relative/Significant Other you are fighting with/snarly at.

Tell your favorite cousin to white lie and pretend she needs a shoulder to cry on, and move yourself down to her end of the table. You can do with any relative/friend/dog/cat/child allowed at the dinner table, and that you can maneuver away from whomever you need to maneuver.

Sit At the Kid's Table.

This is not a joke. First of all, you will be a godsend, if you are single and offer to do this. Second, you will dodge clean-up, because you are being such a great sport! Third, where the hell else can you get all the latest family gossip, hold court with a rapt audience, and dish about Taylor Swift's latest relationships for hours on end?? You will have more fun than anyone else at the "adult" table, believe me, but keep that wine close at hand...

(Just in case!)

Offer to Prep/Clean/Soak/Marinate/Serve/Clean-Up

This only truly works if you get along considerably well with the host/hostess and other helpers in the kitchen, but trust me, this can work. Just make sure you are, in fact, really up to the task doing all of those required kitcheny things. You can also dodge the conversation when your uncle brings up the "Trump Conversation." Phew!

Fake A Work Emergency.

Life is short. Family can be hard. Especially if you've been working on yourself, your relationships, and they simply, well, haven't, your peace of mind and hard work is far too precious to lose. Guilt can be agonizing, but it won't kill you. Yes, people will get upset, but they'll get over it, and soon fall back into their same old patterns, hardly missing you, probably. (A hard truth!) 

This post, quite simply, is to get you thinking about how you want to feel this Thanksgiving Holiday.

Take this weekend to really think about it. 

When you wish others were PURRR..FECT (or at least, not so annoying)

This hits all of us...You can be having a great day, had a pretty great weekend, even, and then Monday comes, and you realize things are not as perfect and delightful as you would like to be in your life. Or maybe you Weekend-Warriored your way out of thinking about how very far from ideal your life really is right now...

Whatever your life situation is, we all almost universally suffer from always wanting things to be better. 

But what if you suffer from, well, wanting things to be a CERTAIN WAY, all the time? Maybe it's not a type-A, Jackie Kennedy-kind of perfection, but you just wish your husband or wife or brother or mother or father or family would act a certain way, achieve certain things, or just give your more space. 

In life, as it home, we often to create the spaces we want on our own. At home, we may read shelter mags, consult Apartment Therapy obsessively (like us!) or even be able to hire a decorator. You can do the same in life.

If you are making others suffer, and yourself, with your own expectations, for God's sake, try to go and talk to someone. Yes, we definitely espouse the full benefits of therapy here at House & Mind. If that is out of the question, for whatever reason, think about your home for a moment. Think of what you have created in your environment, whatever it may be, grand or small, to make yourself feel more at home. Then, take a small step and see how you can shift focus from the behavior of others, to that of yourself. 

What can YOU change? What can you adjust to make yourself accountable, and become less reliant on that person to change-that person(s!) you are forever bitching about? And really, it could be time to ask yourself some very tough questions: Do you need to ditch that whining friend, once and for all? Could you and your spouse really benefit from couples therapy, perhaps? Tough, tough, tough, I get it. Especially if you are care-taking an elderly relative who is not fun to be around, or are completely overwhelmed with family and financial obligations. Taking responsibility really does suck when we have been living so fully in knowing something to be true. I get that. And you may be, and probably are, totally valid in your assessments.

But truly?

No one can live up to the standards that only live in your own head.

No one. Even if those standards are totally valid. 

There is a lot in our interactions with others which you can change. YOU can change them. The more you realize this fact, the closer you may also realize that you have been using these disappointments as, at bottom, an excuse to simply be sad. Maybe yes, maybe no.

But if that's the case, maybe it's the to make some changes. No shame in that at all. 

And also remember how you have made your home reflect yourself, in whatever you have/are doing so. Dude, you can do this with your life. 

It's true. 

This month, we will be diving into some specific tools regarding how to manage our own expectations, and dealing with those annoying others who just simply refuse to change, dammit! And I promise you, miracles happen. When you change behavior, often, these people stop messing you. It's a proven fact, I swear. Their power diminishes. Their hold over you begins to drop and fade...

(We are also going to be adding "Tuesday Tips" for more practical and fun home advice, so look out for those, too...:) 

Have a good week!

Weekend Project: What Have You Been "Shelving" Lately?

Look around your space right now, or in your mind's eye, if you at work or out and about. What strikes you the most, what feels the most "undone?" I can almost guarantee you have at least ONE thing that has not been hung up yet: That small mirror purchased at the tag sale or flea market, or a framed piece of art you love, but never got around to hanging. 

This weekend, we are going to think about what we haven't been taking away/putting on the walls, what we have "shelved" in our own lives. (I know, you're probably like, f*ck you, Francesca! I can barely clean my apartment on the weekend!) But really think about it, and maybe start asking yourself a few easy-peasy questions:

1. Why have you not been showing these photos or art work in your apartment? (Do you even like them?)

2. What have you been shelving lately? Which friends need your attention, which creative projects. which secret, genius work idea needs to be more fully explored? 

3. What can you put on a shelf physically, to shake up your space and add some spice, and what can you take off the shelves, inside your own head. 

If there's prints, paintings, framed photos strewn along the floor, stacked and ready and waiting to be hung up, put them on some type of a "shelf" in your home! I'm not kidding. It really works. Some kind of shelf, any kind. I even use the back of my toilet to place art in fun places. Don't be afraid! Use your bookcases, space along kitchen counters, behind the toaster and along edges of tables that are placed against the wall...Even if you have/like a minimalist decor, you can totally rock this style. IT makes your home cozy and pop and adds texture and tableaux. 

And extra points for you if you make a weekend project out of getting and installing those "art shelves," which are not expensive (see below) and perfect for those who are commitment phobic, because you can switch out your art and photos, even mirrors, and their placement every week.

As you're stacking and pretending to hang things up, think about what else in your personal life can you be showing more of to the world, or that needs more attention, in general: Your unfinished novel, that painting project, the dinner party you've been wanting to plan, that friend back East you haven't called in ages...

So-this Weekend Project is all about putting physical things on shelves, and taking some stuff off the mental shelves, dust them off, and pat yourself on your back for doing so. Good job, and let us know how you did!

You Sensitive Little Flower, You...

Are you an introvert or an extrovert? An ambivert? Shy? Quiet? The retiring type, who is a secret powerhouse of sexy witty wisdom, deep-down inside? I feel ya!  I, too, am an introvert, truly, at heart. And it ain't easy, I know, especially living in Los Angeles, when it's very important tope able to articulate who you are and what you do at the drop of a hat.  

So, what do you do when you the day has got you down, you can't compete with the world rampaging above and below and around you, and you just want to crawl under the nearest throw rug and take a nap? 

You have to I feel, quite basically, practice honoring who you really and truly are. (I know!) And know that you are still a badass, life of the party, or not. I know. So easily said, right? The book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain, was extraordinarily helpful to me, and I cannot recommend it enough. In fact, I will say, it has given me great relief. Not only does she speak about some (surprisingly) well-known introverts throughout our history, she gives practical advice on how to cope when you all you want to do is retreat. 

Her number one tip is to DO that. If you have a long day, where you were were in meetings or on the phone a lot, just a lot of interaction, then just try to grab an hour before dinner, maybe when you can just read in bed. 

If going to a party solo is totally overwhelming to you, maybe try going there sooner, rather than later. Get the lay of the land, talk up the host, and stake a few possible new pals, or at least, willing participants to chat with. If you want to, just go back home to that book! 

The point is, getting out of your comfort zone as an introvert doesn't always work the way it does with extroverts or ambiverts. If it doesn't "feel" right to you, you won't get anything out of the experience, no matter what it is. Yes, feeling uncomfortable is normal when trying new things. But life is way too short to not trust your deepest instincts, and to suffer because of them. 

Introverts, unite! And buy this damn book, below, it will change your life. :) 

Weekend Project: From To-Do to... Ta-Da!

Each Friday, we'll be posting a little Weekend Project to knock off something that has been lingering on your home's To-Do list...But, as Gretchen Rubin of the Happier Podcast once wisely said, why not call turn that To-Do list into a... Ta-Da list? Meaning, start a damn list of the sh*t you get done on a regular basis, and then CELEBRATE it by jotting it down. 

We love this idea. We love it so much, we thought it would be fun to do together...Each week! 

This weekend, we are going to be picking some space in your home that makes you feel awful TUG when you are about to do something for yourself: Now, this could mean going for a run, couching it to watch a movie, working on your creative project, literally-anything that lights your fire. But then....you feel that, ugh! that thing! That awful, naggy, pulling, sort of sluggish feeling that whispers in your ear: "Do some laundry at least you lazy cow!" or "You have to clear your desk off first!"

We usually end up ignoring this voice, and sometimes, as we mentioned in a previous post, you absolutely need to...BUT! This weekend, we are going to be put this voice to the test: Do the dreaded chore(s), write it on your Ta-Da list, and then see if you feel better. Sit down and "treat" yourself to whatever you wanted to really do in the first place, and REALLY do it. Then, put THAT on your Ta-Da List (see how this works?), and see how that feels. (Maybe it sucks, who knows, but try it!) Please do not forget to let us know how it goes, #HappyFriday xo

 (Above Photo: Pottery Barn Kids)

Sh*tty Days...these too shall pass

Okay, yes, it IS a Monday. And I hate to complain, but it is unseasonably warm here in my un-airconditioned space in Santa Monica. And a pile of insurmountable "challenges" are demanding my attention-many of which have stayed unresolved for years. Oh, and I'm still single...And I need more money! And...!!! This is the loop that many Buddhists so correctly called the "Monkey Mind..." 

And it sucks. Phil Stutz and Barry Michaels, the brilliant shrinks and co-authors of both The Toolsand Coming Alive(and therapist to both GP and Drew Barrymore, among many other Hollywood notables) call this thing in us that always tries us to dance us back to our most toxic thoughts and negative emotions "Part X." 

Whatever the hell you call it, it's there in the seemingly healthiest of us, it seems. And it sucks, it's true. 

I can definitely link you to some mindfulness exercises, and tell you listen to Tara Brach's meditations, and give you a long reading list of great books to study. (The two listed below are sincerely excellent and inspiring, I can swear by them.) 

But what if you just need help, right now, in this moment? 

I am with you. I struggle with my own demons and self-defeating attitude and inner voice every day.  I am not going to tell you to breathe. Or find  a quiet space. No way. 

I'm just going to tell you this: This is ALL going to be a memory tomorrow. These feelings, these very specific, ugly ones, blah and unenjoyable ones, are all going to be gone. 

If it's cold out, make some soup, if it's warm out, go for a walk or grab an iced tea at a little cafe or coffee shop. If you're stuck at work, pick up the phone and make a plan with a pal. If you have to go home and cook dinner, start planning that sh*t now, right now. Even if you're broke, even if it's $1 Mac-n-cheese from a box! 

It's going to be pass. Maybe you're in a work crunch, and it's still going to be quite impossible, all the way around tomorrow. But it will pass. 

And remember this: You are having this shitty feeling because you have plans, things you want for yourself, your family and your life, and your relationships. Sure, you could let go of all cravings, but it's not practical advice. Just be happy that you care enough to have such a crap day, alright? I'm serious. Good for you! 

So, get out of work as soon as you can. I give you a free hall pass to remind yourself that you have better days, much better, and you will be okay. Hopefully, very soon....I highly recommend the books below, as well, especially when you are feeling down, stuck, and are not motivated by the thought of going to therapy. These are practical tools that even total skeptics can use to get unstuck and truly sort of enrich their lives...

Living Inside Your Space...Inside & Out

Is it crazy to think that the outside is often a reflection of what's going on within us ? 

We often worry that we have to set things perfectly in place before we embark upon some great creative, or work or even a small home project. I find this personally to be true, and then tend to sort of chastise myself about it, again and again. It's interesting, this reverse sort of perfectionism, because it can keep one from finishing, or even beginning something very important to us. 

I have some friends who are tidal waves of creativity and productivity, while their spaces, though not perfect, are cozy, shambling, perfectly welcoming homes.  I also have a friend who is like an ultra-modern version of Martha Stewart, and her own path reflects this too, in its way. 

This week, I'm going to work on aligning the inner with the outer: If I want to work on my book, and feel compelled to do so, I may let the dinner dishes just sit there. I may just decide to relax when thinking that my patio suddenly needs some sort of inexpensive revamp, the plants have not been watered this week, and the laundry is piling way up...Relax, then pull out the laptop.

Ha! What a load of crap. Truth is, if you're on this site, you probably need to find a way to clear and still your mind before you set out to do any real work. 

So, my real advice this week is: Give yourself a break. And grab a basket!

That's right. Get one that you really like, too, if that helps. 

Allow yourself to relax into where you are in your head, when you have free time away from work and/or family at home, and sit with that stirring-up feeling you have to tidy and clean up just some peace. If you have legit family duties, give yourself 45 minutes to an hour to do them-straighten up, clean, throw in some laundry...Set a timer. 

If not, grab a basket, throw some stuff in there. Do a full sweep, go on, just do it! Bills, mail on counter, shoes in entryway, Sunday's NY Times, some stray workout clothes, socks-whatever it is. Then sock that baby in your bedroom or hall closet for a few hours. 

Feel the bliss, I dare you! You're allowed...

Then, sit down, have a cup of tea or glass of wine, pull up to your notebook or your computer, and see what happens...

Tuesday Tip...Prepare for the Fall in Your Heart

Fall is in the air! And it feels great here in Los Angeles! Here are a few things I like to prepare around my apartment. Switch out tablecloths. Clean out the pantry. Maybe hit the bedroom closet, and start switching around from summer-to-fall clothing. But fall is also a great, general time for renewal, I think. A second-chance New Year’s sort of feeling. And with your home comes the people you have in it. Who is gonna stop by for drinks? Is your bar stocked-up?  Cheese at the ready? Then kids in school, new projects, Thanksgiving, work pressures building, holiday shopping...Ughh...Just. Take a breath, please.

I want you to really think about what you want out of this coming season: More gatherings of friends? More time alone? A way to save funds to have the holiday you really desire? It can be anything, anything at all. Tune into that second-grade feeling of being back at school-when the air is crisp and Halloween is coming! What can you get excited about? What can you create very simply that will convey this feeling? Are there some traditions you want to start? Are there some you could, truly, chuck the hell out the window if they're not working? (Goodbye, Thanksgiving Dinner for nineteen!) 

Think about it. Pick one little thing. If it makes you feel better, spruce up that bar cart with a new cheese tray (below), and maybe have your fresh food & veggies delivered sometimes instead of spending time shopping so you can hang out more with your kids (Hello, Farm Fresh To You!)

Just make a little pact with yourself, and get back to that feeling that anything is possible when the air gets just a tiny bit crisper and cooler. You deserve it! xo

Welcome to House & Mind!

This is my first post on this site, and I am so excited to share my thoughts and we can start changing our lives by starting with BOTH our inner and outer "houses." Whether you live in a Bel-Air Mansion, an East Village studio, a cabin in the woods of South Carolina, or a condo in Lincoln, Nebraska-we all have blocks in the way we create (or don't create) the space we live in. This goes way beyond the objects that bring joy or not-it boils down to your own way of creating the life you want to live (or a different one than the one you are leading right now!) 

These seem like huge issues for a home organizing and decor site-and they are. But they don't have to be! This week, I want to dive into what I call the "Ideal Sitch," the situation you have always imagined would work if ONLY you got this and that clean/straightened/organized in your home.  

What will you do once that garage is tackled? Or your monster coat closet? Or kitchen cabinets? 

Write that novel? Get a band-new job? Ask for a raise? Get a divorce? Find true love? It's amazing how we can put off what we feel will bring us the most fulfillment in life. 

It was also amazing to see how much I have personally procrastinated with my own creative goals vis-a-vis worrying about not simply cleaning up first, but little things, such as cleaning out a closet, that I turned into (rather unnecessary) major organizing jobs! And of course, there is incredible truth that  an uncluttered desk can mean an uncluttered mind. But it can also be paralyzing for some to have everything in pin-perfect order...

How to find balance?

House & Mind wants to help you to figure out YOUR style of keeping house.  Apart from what society thinks, what the collective ego demands, or what your mother tells you. And keeping your head clear, too. So often, our mess outside is due to what's going on internally. 

To that end, we will ONLY be using photos of our own apartments and homes, and those of our friends, the people in our life and willing clients we are working with to bring their personal and domestic dreams alive, as well as some great, fun vintage photos I personally find incredibly fun and inspiring. 

I'm so happy you are here...So...let's dive into this mess, together! 

Each week will be a combination of discussing internal and external "housekeeping" challenges, problems, tips and overall life and creative enhancement.  If this resonates with you, please join us on our little adventure!

So, what is Your Ideal Sitch? In life? At home and at work? Give it a thought. We will soon be talking with Mick Kubiak, writer and family and individual therapist, on how this image impacts everything house and mind...